Disc Wars  Episode 5
by Beth Einspanier
Summary: The continuation of part one of the middle trilogy of a parody of a sci-fi epic!  Now, in actual chapters!  [Finished!] R&R, please.
1. Introduction

Disc Wars: Episode 5  
  
a parodic screenplay by Beth Einspanier  
  
Based on characters and locations created by Terry Pratchett, a general plotline, some technology, and the Jedi religion by George Lucas, and numerous references [blatant and obscure] by a lot of people, movie, and characters. See if you can find them all! All rights reserved.  
  
Author's Notes: Okay, a few people didn't like my big long chapterless fics all getting posted at one go [at least, a few people commented as such]. So, I'm breaking this bad boy up into bite-sized pieces for easier digestion. Bon Appetit!  
  
A Century of the Fruitbat production.  
  
EXT - SPACE.  
  
Title: Somewhere at the edge of the probability curve...  
  
STAR WARS FANFARE, DISCO REMIX.  
  
Title:  
  
DISC  
  
WARS  
  
Title scroll:  
  
EPISODE 5: THE B*TCH IS BACK  
  
The scroll stops and backtracks to just before the first line. It continues:  
  
EPISODE 5: VETINARI GETS ANNOYED  
  
Stop. Backtrack. Continue:  
  
EPISODE 5: WHERE HAVE ALL THE JEDI GONE?  
  
The scroll freezes. Offscreen, there are sounds of fighting. Finally, the scroll backtracks and continues once again:  
  
EPISODE 5: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK  
  
When we last left our heroes, it seemed that the shit had just hit the fan. After having foiled the plans of Darth Vetinari to find out where the Rebel Alliance is hiding, the beautiful Princess Angua has just received word that her family has been attacked and are in unknown condition in Uberwald. Among the recent additions to the Rebellion are a compulsive Jedi who is a coward the rest of the time, a smuggler and chronic bachelor, the smuggler's simian co-pilot, and a simple lad from a dwarf mine in the Ramtops. The odds of this ragged band succeeding against the Empire are a million to one against. But you know what they say about million-to-one chances...  
  
PAN DOWN  
  
to a panoramic view of the Disc, balanced on the shoulders of four massive elephants who in turn stand on the shell of Great A'Tuin, a sea turtle ten thousand miles long. The Rimfall is spectacular and shimmers with the eight colors of the Rimbow, as always, but that's not why we're here.  
  
CARROT [v.o.]  
  
Dear Mum and Dad... I hope this letter finds you okay because I do not know where I am. Captain Vimes says that this is important because we do not want the Empire to find out where all the Rebels are.  
  
CAMERA zooms in rapidly on the Disc, towards a desert country Rimwards of the Circle Sea.  
  
CARROT [v.o.] [contd.]  
  
It has been only two days since I arrived in Ankh-Morpork and already I have met a great Jedi Master, attended a disco on a Star Destroyer, and rescued a beautiful princess from the bad guys.  
  
CAMERA picks up speed as it careens downward towards a nondescript building that - by the way - has the Millennium Falcon parked outside.  
  
CARROT [v.o.] [contd.]  
  
I expect that Rincewind, who is the Jedi Master I told you about, will begin my training in earnest now that we are safe and away from danger. I have not seen him in quite some time however. Perhaps he is meditating.  
  
Just as the camera is about to plunge into the ground--  
  
SLAM CUT TO:  
  
CARROT SKYWALKER  
  
inside the Rebel bunker, writing a letter with an expression of great concentration. Presently he pauses to read over what he has written. On the parchment in front of him we can see the partially-completed letter [with slightly eccentric spelling and punctuation] as he thinks about what else to say. Then he refreshes his quill and continues:  
  
CARROT [v.o.]  
  
I will visit you as soon as I am able though this might not be until close to the end of Episode Six because there is a lot I will need to do. Your Dutiful Son, Carrot Skywalker.  
  
He sticks the quill into the inkpot.  
  
  
  
OUTSIDE,  
  
something buried in a sand dune pokes an antenna through the sand. The dune hums electronically as whatever is buried underneath begins burrowing laterally through the sand, leaving a shallow furrow in its wake. The unseen digger bumps hard against the edge of the concrete landing pad and curses electronically.  
  
INT - STAR DESTROYER  
  
An Imperial technician with shoulder-length dark hair - probably not quite to Imperial standards - and wearing virtual reality gear reels and steadies the goggles on his head with his cybergloved hands. Another technician [who has shorter blond hair and looks like he is just on this side of majority] types at a keyboard; both techs are under the very watchful eye of DARTH VETINARI. He has decided to lose the happy-face button he wore in Episode 4, and currently doesn't apparently give a damn if anyone has a nice day or not.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
This had better find them, Preston. [re: the tech in the gear] And *he* had better be more serious this time.  
  
PRESTON [at keyboard]  
  
He has been duly reprimanded, Sith-dude.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
[deciding to ignore the "Sith-dude" moniker for now] I certainly hope so. Now, as for that module...  
  
PRESTON  
  
I totally assure you, in the future we'll only use it--  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
Not anymore. Hand it over.  
  
PRESTON  
  
[slightly taken aback] Dude, do you know how totally impossible it is to find a VR module of Eccentrica Galumbits nowadays?  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
[warningly] Do you know how *exceedingly* difficult it is to find me in such an accommodating mood nowadays?  
  
PRESTON  
  
[taking the hint] Yessir, Sith-dude.  
  
Preston opens a drawer, digs around a bit, and finally surfaces with a small module cartridge, the relinquishment of which obviously causes him great pain. Vetinari plucks it from his hand, glances at it icily, and pockets it.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
And stop calling me 'Sith-dude'. It gets on my nerves.  
  
PRESTON  
  
[salutes] Affirmative, Sith-dude.  
  
Vetinari growls a long-suffering sigh and stalks away.  
  
The tech in the VR goggles is intent on his work, so this entire exchange has passed him by unnoticed.  
  
EXT - REBEL BASE  
  
CAMERA rises slowly from ground level, sand sloughing off and occasionally obscuring the view. At this point we realize that we are looking through the POV of whatever the VR tech is controlling. Data flickers across the screen [imagine the POV of the T-800] as we crest the concrete slab the spy droid bumped into, and see CHEWBACCA [identified by the droid's database as "Adult Male _Pongo pygmaeus sapiens_"] knuckling his way towards the Millennium Falcon.  
  
ON CHEWBACCA  
  
as the ape begins a routine inspection of the Falcon. He begins by checking the pneumatic pistons on the landing struts. Finding a small problem, he shines a flashlight at the workings. Behind him, a vague shape hovers, occasionally twitching one of many manipulator arms that hang below the main body. Chewie frowns and pokes his long fingers into one of the spaces in the landing strut, extracting a single oat, which he sniffs experimentally and discards. The droid floats closer, the only sound a quiet hum.  
  
INT - STAR DESTROYER  
  
The VR tech moves his arms slowly in a cybernetic ballet as he guides the droid closer. He realizes that this could be significant, and he wets his lips in his excitement.  
  
EXT - REBEL BASE  
  
The droid is closer now as Chewie uses a small can of compressed air to clean the oats out of the workings. We can see it clearly now - it looks like a mechanical jellyfish.  
  
Its shadow falls across Chewbacca's back as the ape looks up from his work.  
  
INT - STAR DESTROYER  
  
The VR tech is tense now with anticipation. He's found that ship that Ridcully was driving. Therefore, Ridcully himself must not be far off. Once Vetinari hears about the hours of diligent work he put in--  
  
EXT - REBEL BASE  
  
Chewie half-turns and shrieks. He is looking not at the spy droid but at the ground, where a large scorpion trundles along. The ape's hair stands out in fright, and he grabs the nearest object - the hovering spy droid, which whines in protest - and uses it to club the scorpion repeatedly to death in a shower of sparks, droid bits, and extremely delicate internal components.  
  
INT - STAR DESTROYER  
  
The VR tech screams, spasms, and pitches to the floor from the shock.  
  
Preston looks up in bewilderment.  
  
PRESTON  
  
Ted? Dude...?  
  
*****  
  
End Part 1. As always, comments, gripes, and suggestions welcome. 


	2. Discoveries

Disclaimer: See Part 1.  
  
*****  
  
EXT - REBEL BASE  
  
Chewie regards the thoroughly splattered scorpion with satisfaction, then takes the time to look at what he used to smash it. His brow furrows in thought as he examines the limp droid, eventually finding a small metal plate riveted to the underside of the mangled mess that used to be the main body. He reads it with growing alarm.  
  
He quickly knuckles his way back inside, dragging the droid after him with one of its manipulator arms clenched in one of the his hindpaws.  
  
INT - REBEL BASE  
  
Carrot, letter in hand, is looking around the base for something resembling a mail room. In the course of his search, he encounters CAPTAIN SAMUEL VIMES.  
  
VIMES  
  
Morning, Skywalker.  
  
CARROT  
  
Good morning, Captain... is there a mail room around here?  
  
Vimes shakes his head.  
  
VIMES  
  
We're on restricted communications right now. No mail in or out.  
  
CARROT  
  
[disappointed] Oh. I just wanted my parents to know I was all right.  
  
VIMES  
  
Sorry. I just have a gut feeling that this isn't over yet.  
  
CARROT  
  
[brightening] Oh! You got a script too?  
  
VIMES  
  
A what?  
  
CARROT  
  
Sorry. My mistake.  
  
[he pockets the letter as he searches for a lighter topic]  
  
How's the Princess?  
  
VIMES  
  
She's taking the news pretty hard. I just hope she doesn't decide to do anything homicidal.  
  
CARROT  
  
You mean suicidal?  
  
Vimes puts a fatherly hand on Carrot's shoulder.  
  
VIMES  
  
Lad, I've known Angua for longer than you have. I mean homicidal. I think she just needs some time to think right now.  
  
CARROT  
  
Well. Maybe Rincewind could give her some advice. Him being a great Jedi and all.  
  
Vimes chokes back a chuckle.  
  
VIMES  
  
Maybe... If you can find him.  
  
CARROT  
  
Well, it's Threepio's job to know where everyone he's working for is, right? He'd know.  
  
VIMES  
  
Knock yourself out.  
  
Carrot looks bewildered and a bit hurt by what he interprets as a literal instruction to knock himself out. Vimes, seeing this, sighs.  
  
VIMES  
  
[clarifying] Go ahead and ask, if you think he knows.  
  
Carrot nods with the first glimmering of comprehension, and walks away. Vimes is about to go on his way as well when Chewie knuckles up to him and tugs at his hand. Vimes turns to regard the ape.  
  
VIMES  
  
What?  
  
Chewie shows him the smashed spy droid and chatters at length about how he discovered it, complete with expressive gestures and vivid pantomime. When he finishes, he looks at Vimes expectantly. Vimes nods.  
  
VIMES  
  
You know... I didn't understand a syllable of what you just said.  
  
Chewie scowls, reaches up with one long arm, and hooks the back of Vimes' head with one hand [eliciting a shout of alarm from Vimes], dragging it down closer to Chewie's level. Once Vimes is positioned thusly, Chewie points out the small metal plate on the body of the droid.  
  
VIMES  
  
[reading] "This droid is the exclusive property of the Empire. If found, please return to Darth Vetinari at once." [to Chewie] Do you *really* think he's that stupid?  
  
Chewie shrugs noncommittally and releases Vimes. Vimes rubs the back of his head.  
  
VIMES  
  
You know, there are better ways to get someone's attention than grabbing the back of their head.  
  
Chewie folds his arms and looks at Vimes as if to say, "Not *my* fault you can't understand me."  
  
ELSEWHERE...  
  
RIDCULLY strides up the hallway at a fair clip until he bumps into PONDER THREEPIO, coming the other way.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Excuse me, sir...  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
Not now.  
  
  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Excuse me, sir... but where are you going?  
  
Ridcully turns to face the protocol droid.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
Out.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Oh. Will you be back soon?  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
Not likely.  
  
Ridcully continues on his way, with Threepio hurrying to keep up.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Sir--!  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
Don't start with me. I'm already having Chewie get the Falcon ready.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
If I might inquire--?  
  
Ridcully stops and turns again to face Threepio.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
You said yourself, I don't have an altruistic side. So my choosing to leave has nothing at all to do with the fact that I've already pissed off two very powerful people, one of which is the overlord of the galaxy, and that if I stayed here I'd be putting you all in danger.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Despite all appearances, Her Majesty is quite grateful for--  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
Besides which, I have a swamp dragon's chance in a hailstorm of getting paid for ferrying the Princess around like a bloody hired limousine...  
  
He turns and continues on, and Threepio continues to shadow him.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Until we find out what happened in Uberwald, Her Majesty is willing to offer you an alternate form of payment.  
  
Ridcully stops dead in his tracks, and in the ensuing silence Threepio realizes how that must have sounded.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
[wistful] If only I were a younger man....  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Not *that* kind of payment, you dirty old man! I meant a royal pardon or something!  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
Which means absolutely nothing, as far as I'm concerned. The parties in question wouldn't give a rat's ass either way.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Well, if I may say so, this is a hell of a time to get practical about things!  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
What? You're trying to play bloody matchmaker like I'm Han bloody Solo and she's Princess bloody Leia?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
[a little revolted by the idea] Oh, *gods*, no... the thought never entered my processor.  
  
Presently, Carrot approaches.  
  
CARROT  
  
Have either of you seen Rincewind lately?  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
You mean the skinny twerp with the lightsaber? Not lately.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
[to Carrot] He's hiding, sir.  
  
CARROT / RIDCULLY [unison]  
  
Hiding?  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
What's he hiding from? This place should be safe enough for the likes of him.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
He was a little incoherent when I last tried to talk to him, but from what I could understand he's developed a pathological fear of either apes or rock and roll music.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
[snorts] Not a fear of public restrooms?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
No, sir. Toilets aren't especially scary, sir.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
[lightly] They are when a Sith Lord crawls out of one and attacks you.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
I'm afraid I don't follow, sir.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
Never mind. Excuse me - I gotta find Chewie.  
  
Exit Ridcully, leaving Carrot and Threepio rather bewildered by his last comments. Carrot and Threepio exchange a glance.  
  
CARROT  
  
Bad plumbing?  
  
Threepio shrugs.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
In any case, I was hoping to find you before her Majesty left.  
  
Carrot blinks.  
  
CARROT  
  
She's leaving? For where?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Uberwald, I'm afraid. I told her it would be too dangerous to go there just now, but to be quite honest, she can be a bit stubborn at times. All the same she wants to speak with you before she leaves.  
  
CARROT  
  
All right... lead the way.  
  
ON RIDCULLY  
  
as he continues towards his ship and encounters Vimes and Chewie.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
[to Chewie] Aha. Just the ape I was looking for.  
  
VIMES  
  
And you're just the man I was looking for.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
[to Vimes] I have nothing to say to you.  
  
VIMES  
  
Then I'll let Chewbacca tell you. You and he appear to be on the same wavelength, anyway.  
  
Ridcully glares at Vimes but says nothing as Chewie starts recounting his tale again. As he does:  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
[translating] You were checking the landing gear... and you saw a scorpion... and after you smashed it... you realized that you'd smashed it with a droid.  
  
Chewie holds up the abused spy droid in question. Ridcully takes it, reads the inscription.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
A spy droid.  
  
VIMES  
  
An Imperial spy droid.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
Well, shit. [to Chewie] I guess it's high time we left then, eh, Chewie?  
  
[Chewie shakes his head and explains why]  
  
You'd just started checking the Falcon when you saw the scorpion.  
  
[Chewie nods]  
  
[sotto] Nothing is ever easy in these movies...  
  
ELSEWHERE...  
  
Threepio and Carrot arrive at the door to Angua's chambers. Threepio presses the door chime.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA [intercom]  
  
Yes?  
  
She sounds tired.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Master Carrot to see you, Your Majesty.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA [intercom]  
  
Show him in, please.  
  
The door slides open. Carrot glances at Threepio, who waves him through. Carrot steps through the doorway, ducking by force of habit, and glances over his shoulder when the door slides shut. Then he glances into the room - and blinks when he sees Angua.  
  
CARROT'S POV  
  
Slow pan upwards from Angua's feet, taking in a feminine curvature now clad in a shape-hugging white bodysuit rather than her previous royal gown. She has elected not to pin her hair up today.  
  
Carrot clears his throat and blushes slightly.  
  
CARROT  
  
Oh... um... wow.  
  
Angua smiles and lays a garment on the bed. One of her handmaidens busily folds it and tucks it into a half-filled satchel, then gestures to the other three handmaidens and they all fade into the background to offer Carrot and Angua some privacy.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
I bet you're wondering why I asked to see you...  
  
Carrot's eyes, caught wandering, snap up to meet her gaze.  
  
CARROT  
  
Threepio said you were going to Uberwald.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
That's right. I have a little... family business to take care of. I'll try to stay in touch but... it could get kind of dangerous.  
  
CARROT  
  
Are you going to find out who attacked your parents?  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
[nods] I'm going to try.  
  
CARROT  
  
I'll go with you.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
[sharper than she intended] No! [softens] No... this is something I have to do by myself.  
  
CARROT  
  
I just wish there was something I could do to help. I mean, if you get hurt... or killed...  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
There *is* something you can do.  
  
[he brightens slightly]  
  
Kiss me... for luck.  
  
Carrot is floored by this request. She stretches up and kisses him gently on the mouth, but as he starts to respond, tries to put his arms around her, she darts out of his reach. The reason for this dodge becomes evident when, presently, the door opens again, allowing Threepio to check up on them and make sure nothing improper is happening between them. His look of preprogrammed suspicion quickly flickers into his usual cordiality.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Master Carrot, I believe you wanted to speak with Rincewind?  
  
CARROT  
  
[still recovering] Yes... I did.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
I'm sure Her Majesty still has a lot of preparations to make before she leaves. We mustn't keep her.  
  
He gestures for Carrot to follow him, then turns away. As soon as the droid's back is to Angua, she pokes her tongue out at him. Carrot stifles a surprised laugh, and must suppress a grin as he follows Threepio.  
  
On their way out, they pass Ridcully heading the other way. He pauses to regard Angua's new wardrobe impassively.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
Who are you supposed to be, one of Charlie's Angels?  
  
Angua snorts.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
As charming as ever. I just wanted to extend my gratitude to you and Chewie for all the help you've provided to the Rebel Alliance. As soon as I get things settled in Uberwald you *will* get the payment that Threepio promised you.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
So you expect me to stay here until you get back.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
I would appreciate it. This base is perfectly secure.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
*Was* perfectly secure. Chewie found an Imperial spy droid scoping out my ship.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
[sotto] Shit.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
[mock-chiding] Tsk, tsk... Such language for a princess.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
[ignoring this] Does Vimes know?  
  
Ridcully nods.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
In any case, I'm leaving. [pause] I can't be putting people in danger because I pissed someone off. It wouldn't be fair.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
Well, glad as I am that you finally grew a conscience, we could use all the help we can get in the Alliance.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
Maybe some other time.  
  
With that he turns and walks away before he can change his mind.  
  
ON THREEPIO AND CARROT  
  
as they seek out Rincewind. They walk in silence for a few moments. Then:  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
I believe it's high time we had a brief discussion regarding you and Her Majesty.  
  
CARROT  
  
What about me and Angua?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
While my First Law directives do not allow me to directly injure any organic creature, it also prohibits me from causing injury from lack of action. As a result, I have had to process this problem for several cycles to discern the safest approach.  
  
CARROT  
  
I don't follow.  
  
Threepio sighs metallically.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Her Majesty - Angua - is a princess. You ought to have been able to figure that much out on your own. Eventually she will be the Queen of Uberwald. The time will come when she must produce an heir. To continue the bloodline. Do you understand so far?  
  
CARROT  
  
That sounds reasonable enough.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Whomever she marries must also be of royal heritage. It is simply the way things are done.  
  
CARROT  
  
[politely] Okay.  
  
Threepio wasn't expecting such polite acceptance.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
[treading carefully] How close is your relationship with the Princess?  
  
CARROT  
  
We're not related at all, I don't think.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
That's not what I meant. To put it simply, do you *like* her, or do you *like-like* her?  
  
CARROT  
  
I'm not sure what you mean. I mean, I like being around her, and talking to her...  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
I mean do you like her romantically.  
  
[off Carrot's blank look:]  
  
You haven't had "The Talk" yet, have you?  
  
CARROT  
  
What talk?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
[aside to camera] I was afraid of that. Dwarves usually don't get "The Talk" until age 55. [sighs metallically]  
  
[to Carrot] We'll discuss this further later on.  
  
CARROT  
  
[politely confused] Okay.  
  
Threepio keys open the door at which they have arrived, which opens into a section of maintenance corridor. Carrot looks around: Okay, why are we here?  
  
CARROT  
  
Odd place for Jedi meditation...  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
[calling out] Rincewind!  
  
There is a metallic clatter in the darkness further down the corridor, accompanied by a startled yelp. Upon investigation, the source of both proves to be [surprise!] Rincewind, now sitting tangled in a pile of pipes, tubing, and odds and ends used to repair various exotic machinery. He makes a few token efforts to extract himself, but finds he can't.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
[sheepish] Hi. Didn't recognize you at first.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Master Carrot wishes to speak with you.  
  
A hunted look briefly flickers across Rincewind's face, his average reaction to someone three times his size "wishing to speak with him.".  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Um... about that?  
  
CARROT  
  
[avidly] My Jedi training.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
[relaxing marginally] Oh. That.  
  
CARROT  
  
I've seen what the Jedi are able to do - and I want to learn how to do those things too.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Seen? Where?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
[patient aside to Rincewind] From you, sir.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
[quietly] Oh. [aloud] Er, about that...  
  
CARROT  
  
And I thought that now we were in a safe place, we could begin my formal Jedi training.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
I... can't.  
  
Carrot falls silent.  
  
RINCEWIND [contd.]  
  
Look, I'm a *compulsive* Jedi. Do you know what that means?  
  
CARROT  
  
No.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
It means I can't... really... control my Jedi powers. They just happen. When I'm in danger. Or when I'm under stress.  
  
Carrot is crestfallen.  
  
CARROT  
  
So... I can't become a Jedi?  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Tell you what. What you need to do, is go to Lancre, up in the Ramtops. Once you're there, you'll be taught by Weatherwax, who tried to teach me before she got fed up and kicked me out. [off Carrot's look] Long story. I'd rather not go into it right now.  
  
CARROT  
  
And she can teach me how to be a Jedi?  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
[a bit annoyed] What did I just say? *Yes,* she can teach you the ways of the Jedi! Now, could somebody *please* help me up? I've got something pointy and metallic jabbing me someplace I'd rather not be jabbed by something pointy and metallic.  
  
[Carrot pulls Rincewind out of the tangle. Rincewind brushes off his robes, then surreptitiously rubs some life back into his behind]  
  
Thanks. Now I suggest you get packed, and take one of the droids with you. Safety in numbers.  
  
CARROT  
  
'Safety in numbers.' I bet a great and wise Jedi originally said that.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Um. Yeah.  
  
Threepio offers an amused shrug to Rincewind by way of explanation.  
  
INT - STAR DESTROYER  
  
The first thing we see is Darth Vetinari's armour. The second thing we see is that he is not presently in it. Offscreen, we hear the sound of joints popping - whether the direction is into place or out of remains to be seen. Slow pan across to where a woman - the IMPERIAL MASSEUSE - is working her magic on the shoulders and back of someone just below frame.  
  
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE  
  
It's a good thing you came in to see me, sir. You're awfully tense.  
  
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]  
  
I've been having a really rotten couple of days.  
  
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE  
  
How's the shoulder? Still bothering you?  
  
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]  
  
[noncommittal] Eh.  
  
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE  
  
Hold still.  
  
She does something forceful in the vicinity of his shoulder that makes the joint pop loudly [causing Vetinari to yelp in pain and surprise], then crunch as she reverses the motion. Vetinari grunts as his shoulder is apparently relocated, then sighs when she releases him.  
  
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE  
  
Better?  
  
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]  
  
[relieved] Much. Thank you.  
  
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE  
  
[smiles] That's what you pay me for.  
  
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]  
  
You know, I'm starting to regret letting those two idiots live.  
  
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE  
  
Which two idiots are those?  
  
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]  
  
You know which ones I mean. The idiots with the phone booth. They seemed bright enough when we finally found them, but...  
  
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE  
  
I just hope you didn't put them in charge of anything.  
  
[Vetinari sighs in exasperation]  
  
Anything important, I mean.  
  
[Vetinari groans]  
  
[uncertain] Anything important that is directly related to finding Ridcully?  
  
[This time the groan is closer to a whimper]  
  
Well, look on the bright side... if they make any mistakes they can sleep with the mimes.  
  
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]  
  
[emerging from his depression slightly] That's true. [darkening again] Do you know what I had to confiscate from them just today?  
  
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE  
  
[politely] No, sir.  
  
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]  
  
[grim] A virtual reality module of... Eccentrica Galumbits.  
  
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE  
  
[surprised] The triple-breasted whore of Eroticon Six?  
  
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]  
  
[weakly] The very one. [suspiciously] You know of it?  
  
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE  
  
No, sir. Never heard of it. [changing subject] How do you know they actually gave you *that* module?  
  
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]  
  
That's true. I'll have to view it to be sure.  
  
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE  
  
Of course you will.  
  
  
  
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]  
  
[sighs] It's times like this that I'm glad this room is private.  
  
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE  
  
Yessir.  
  
Did she just glance briefly at the camera? The world may never know. She squirts some sort of oil from a bottle into her hand and resumes the massage. After a beat:  
  
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]  
  
What's that smell?  
  
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE  
  
It's the massage oil, sir. To loosen your muscles.  
  
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]  
  
It smells like lilacs!  
  
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE  
  
That was the only kind they had left, sir.  
  
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]  
  
How do you expect me to be a fearsome villain if I go around smelling of lilacs?!  
  
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE  
  
[trying not to smile] Sorry, sir.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
[wearily, in response to something he senses] Oh, gods...  
  
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE  
  
[confused] Are you okay, sir? I didn't think the scented oil would be that serious...  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
Not that. I just sensed a couple of disturbances.  
  
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE  
  
In the Force?  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
In the hallway outside. Excuse me.  
  
He starts to get up, but the most we see is the top half of his helmet before we...  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT - STAR DESTROYER - HALLWAY  
  
Preston and the dazed VR tech approach the guard currently blocking a door marked "Advising Room." Below this is a sliding indicator revealing that the Advising Room is currently "Occupied."  
  
PRESTON  
  
[urgently] We have to see the head dude.  
  
It rapidly becomes clear that the guard in question does not like either Preston or the tech.  
  
GUARD  
  
[coldly] His Lordship is in private counsel with his advisor.  
  
VR TECH  
  
We found that ship.  
  
GUARD  
  
What ship?  
  
PRESTON  
  
You know... that ship piloted by that guy who sprang that babe from the dungeon.  
  
VR TECH  
  
It's really really really really important that we talk to him. Like, now.  
  
The guard narrows his eyes.  
  
GUARD  
  
That ship... piloted by that guy... Do you have *any* idea how many ships there are in the system?  
  
PRESTON  
  
Um... a lot?  
  
GUARD  
  
And do you have any idea--  
  
The door hisses open abruptly. Vetinari is wearing his helmet and a glossy black velvet bathrobe. He glares at the two younger men with barely contained annoyance.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
[through gritted teeth] Preston. Logan. This had better be really. Bloody. Good.  
  
Preston and Logan [apparently the VR tech] freeze momentarily. Logan sniffs, then Preston smells it too.  
  
PRESTON  
  
Something smells nice.  
  
LOGAN  
  
Yeah... Kinda like fl--  
  
Both Preston and Logan suddenly fly up towards the opposite wall and stick there in odd poses. They shoot terrified glances at Vetinari. It is then that they remember that, flowery scent or not, Vetinari is still the villain of this movie. They start talking rapidly.  
  
PRESTON  
  
We-found-where-that-ship-is-you-were-looking-for--  
  
LOGAN  
  
I-tried-to-get-close-enough-to-get-the-license-but-a-monkey-grabbed- the-spy-droid-and-smashed-it--  
  
PRESTON  
  
But-I-made-sure-to-remember-where-it-was-so-we-could-find-it-again--  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
Enough! You have done well... [sotto] considering.  
  
PRESTON / LOGAN [unison]  
  
[with feeling] Thank you, Sith-dude.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
For your lack of total incompetence I will allow you to see your respective next birthdays.  
  
PRESTON / LOGAN [unison]  
  
[with even more feeling] Thank you, Sith-dude!  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
And now, if you have nothing further, I will leave you to your own devices while I finish my appointment with my m— [stops himself, clears throat] my advisor.  
  
With that, he turns and vanishes back through the door from whence he came. As he does:  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
[under breath] Bloody morons, just when I was getting relaxed...  
  
The door slides shut.  
  
Preston and Logan remain stuck to the wall for several seconds, after which interval they slide down onto the floor. After a beat, they exchange a glance.  
  
LOGAN  
  
Why's he wearing a bathrobe to meet with his advisor?  
  
*****  
  
End Part 2. 


	3. Departures and Arrivals

Disclaimer: See Part 1.  
  
BTW, thanx for taking the time to review! I really appreciate it!  
  
*****  
  
INT - REBEL BASE  
  
Vimes raps on the door to Angua's personal chambers.  
  
PADME [within]  
  
Who is it?  
  
VIMES  
  
It's Vimes. I need to speak with the Princess. [pause] Is she decent?  
  
PADME [within]  
  
Define 'decent.' She's still getting ready for her journey.  
  
VIMES  
  
She better hurry. I'm getting ready to batten down the hatches here in case we get visited. And once the doors are sealed—  
  
The door slides open partway to accommodate a large wolflike dog with a blonde mane and a pack tied across its back. It sits down in front of him and looks at him expectantly.  
  
VIMES  
  
[to the dog] I guess you haven't had much of a chance lately, have you?  
  
[the dog shakes its head]  
  
Well, you've earned it, I guess. Taking any of the handmaidens with you?  
  
[shake shake]  
  
Well, you be careful, in any case—  
  
CARROT [o.s.]  
  
Oh! I didn't know you had a dog here.  
  
Both Vimes and the dog look up at Carrot, surprised by his arrival. Threepio is not far behind him. Carrot crouches by the dog and scratches it behind the ears. It licks his hand.  
  
CARROT [contd.]  
  
[appreciatively] A purebred Ramtops wolfhound... these are so hard to find anymore.  
  
VIMES  
  
Uh, yes. This is, um, "Princess." She's sort of the mascot of the Rebellion.  
  
Vimes tries to scratch "Princess" behind the ears. She warns him off with a sharp growl: Don't even think about it. He jerks his hand back out of her reach.  
  
VIMES  
  
[changing the subject] You wanted to see me?  
  
CARROT  
  
[straightening up] Yes... I'm going to be headed off to Lancre for my Jedi training pretty soon. I just need to finish packing. I'll be taking Threepio with me.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Wait a second... I thought I was going to go with Her Majesty to Uberwald.  
  
VIMES  
  
One way to settle this...  
  
They all pull out their respective copies of the script and flip to the proper page. Even the dog pulls a script out of its pack and paws it open. After a few moments of silent reading:  
  
CARROT  
  
My copy says you're going with me and Artoo is going with Angua.  
  
VIMES  
  
So does mine.  
  
The dog nods in agreement.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
That's odd... mine says I go with Her Majesty. And I made sure to get my own copy of the droid script.  
  
They glance at one another, then as one they turn to the camera.  
  
CARROT / VIMES / PONDER THREEPIO [unison]  
  
[to slightly left of camera] Mr. Lucas!  
  
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR [o.s.]  
  
He's on his lunch break right now. Maybe I can help?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Am I supposed to go with Master Carrot to Lancre, or with Her Majesty to Uberwald?  
  
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR [o.s.]  
  
Well, what does the script say?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Well, right now three out of four scripts say I go with Master Carrot. But mine says I go with Her Majesty.  
  
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR [o.s.]  
  
Well, majority rules, I guess. Who knows what George has in mind?  
  
All close their scripts.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Well... looks like I'm going with Master Carrot after all. Which means that Artoo is going to Uberwald.  
  
VIMES  
  
Looks like it. [to Carrot] You'll find a ship in the underground hangar. You *do* know how to fly, don't you?  
  
CARROT  
  
Some.  
  
VIMES  
  
[apprehensive] Do you know how to get to Lancre?  
  
CARROT  
  
I'm sure Threepio can show me. Once we're there, everything should work out fine.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
[sotto] Not bloody likely.  
  
Exeunt Carrot and Threepio.  
  
"PRINCESS"  
  
[to Vimes] Mascot?!  
  
Vimes shrugs.  
  
VIMES  
  
I didn't hear *you* coming up with a better excuse.  
  
"PRINCESS"  
  
Watch it. I still outrank you.  
  
The dog pads away.  
  
VIMES  
  
[sotto, wearily] Yes, Your Majesty...  
  
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON - LATER  
  
Ridcully settles into the pilot's chair, next to Chewbacca. The ape appears to be performing some last-minute diagnostics on the ship's computer. As Ridcully prepares the Falcon for takeoff, Chewie looks over at him, staring at the side of Ridcully's head until Ridcully turns to look at him.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
What?  
  
[Chewie keeps looking at him very hard]  
  
Look... Jabba already wants my head. Now I've got the overlord of the galaxy breathing down my neck. What do you expect me to do?  
  
[Chewie folds his arms and continues scowling at him]  
  
Stop looking at me like that. I'm not going to change my mind. No matter how big of a guilt trip you try to lay on me.  
  
Chewie puckers his lips and makes a rude noise at Ridcully. Ridcully returns his gaze to the windscreen and begins powering up the ship.  
  
VAROOOM!  
  
Ridcully and Chewbacca both recoil in surprise as another, smaller ship roars past, right across the Falcon's nose. Ridcully shakes his fist after it.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
[shouting] Why don't you learn to drive, you damned whippersnapper?!  
  
[startled pause]  
  
[more quietly] Oh gods... Did I just say 'whippersnapper'?!  
  
[Chewie nods, every bit as horrified as Ridcully]  
  
I'm getting too old for this. [defiantly, off Chewie's look of concern] But I'm not too old yet!  
  
He punches the throttle, and the Falcon roars upwards and away from the Rebel base.  
  
INT - CARROT'S SHIP  
  
Both Carrot and Threepio, in the cockpit, are looking back at the Falcon, which they have just accidentally buzzed.  
  
CARROT  
  
[sheepish] Sorry...  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
I really don't think Ridcully appreciated that. How many times have you flown, anyway?  
  
CARROT  
  
Including this trip?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
[certain he isn't going to like the answer] Erm... yes. [realizing] This isn't your first flight is it?  
  
CARROT  
  
No, of course not.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
[relaxing a bit] Good.  
  
CARROT  
  
It's my third.  
  
Threepio stares at him for a moment in horrified fascination.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Your... th... th... third...?  
  
CARROT  
  
[sheepish] I think I almost have the hang of it.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
I'm going to die.  
  
CARROT  
  
Not necessarily. If we crash, I can reassemble you.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
But who's going to reassemble *you*?  
  
CARROT  
  
Hm. I never really thought of that.  
  
PAN to watch the ship roar away onto the distance, then PAN down to "Princess" and Artoo watching it fly away. Then they head out on their way to Uberwald, leaving pawprints and scooter tracks in the sand.  
  
  
  
INT - STAR DESTROYER - VR STATION  
  
Preston and Logan are preparing to impress the hell out of Vetinari when he arrives. Logan feeds the recorded images into the computer, while Preston rapidly zeroes in on the precise location where the Falcon was found. Distantly, they hear the Imperial March approaching from down the hall.  
  
Darth Vetinari, still fidgeting with the shoulder-clasps on his cloak, strides down the corridor towards the VR Station in perfect cadence to his theme. He makes sure he looks properly menacing before opening the door and entering the station.  
  
Preston and Logan look up from their work as he enters and stand to attention. He glares at both of them, as if daring them to further comment on the lilac scent he still wears.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
Well? You said you knew where this ship was.  
  
PRESTON  
  
Yessir, Sith-dude... just turn your most evil gaze towards yonder holographic projector thingy and watch.  
  
Vetinari turns to regard the indicated thingy, and Logan taps a few keys on the console. A few seconds later, the holographic projector explodes into life with a fully three-dimensional multimedia presentation. Vetinari reels as a rock-orchestra rendition of Mozart's "Marriage of Figaro" assails his tender sensibilities. He notices with some distaste that the holographic A'Tuin and all four elephants on the star-turtle's back are wearing reflective shades. He casts a dark look at Preston and Logan, on whom the effect is completely lost.  
  
LOGAN  
  
All right, Sith-dude, we are here.  
  
A large red arrow, labelled "YOU ARE HERE," appears next to a small, roughly wedge-shaped speck high above the Discworld.  
  
PRESTON  
  
We found the ship... [type type] here.  
  
The image rotates and increases in scale until the country Rimward of the Circle Sea, helpfully labeled "Klatch," hovers about two inches from Vetinari's face. Another, smaller, red arrow appears in the small gap between Vetinari and the holographic country, and blinks helpfully at a structure in the Klatchian wasteland that is so tiny that Vetinari must squint to see it. Abruptly the image swells again, startling Vetinari, so that the small Rebel base and the Millennium Falcon are more clearly visible. The red arrow is now seen to be pointing at the ship itself.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
Good work. Could you please turn off that gods-awful music?  
  
LOGAN  
  
But... we thought you liked Mozart...  
  
Vetinari turns to face them coldly.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
I *do* enjoy Mozart... but not when it's been butchered by a so-called musician with an amplifier! Now [echo] turn it! Off! [/echo]  
  
Logan pales and hurriedly cuts out the presentation's soundtrack.  
  
Vetinari nods sharply, then return his attention to the holographic structure.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
I will need the precise location of this building.  
  
Preston taps the Sith Lord on one shoulder guard. Vetinari turns, and Preston hands him a printout.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
What's this?  
  
PRESTON  
  
The precise location of the building.  
  
Vetinari narrows his eyes slightly, then snatches the printout away from Preston and scans it keenly. After a few beats he glances sideways at Preston again.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
[sotto] Everybody's a smartass.  
  
He turns with a flourish of his cape and leaves, accompanied by the Imperial March once again. After the door slides closed:  
  
LOGAN  
  
[to Preston] Hey Bill, I think we just totally impressed the head dude.  
  
PRESTON / LOGAN [unison]  
  
Excellent!  
  
They exchange a high-five, and then perform a synchronized double air- guitar.  
  
INT - REBEL BASE  
  
BING.  
  
A Rebel technician peers over the top edge of a magazine he'd been reading and looks at the radar screen.  
  
BING.  
  
He looks with considerable trepidation at the screen.  
  
BING.  
  
REBEL TECH [into headset]  
  
Sir, I've got a blip.  
  
VIMES [through headset]  
  
What kind of a blip is it?  
  
BING.  
  
REBEL TECH [into headset]  
  
I don't think it's a friendly blip. [pause] It's red.  
  
BING.  
  
REBEL TECH [contd, into headset]  
  
And it's getting closer.  
  
ON VIMES,  
  
wearing a similar headset.  
  
VIMES [into headset]  
  
See if you can get a better reading on it. If you get jammed at any point, execute emergency procedure 239.  
  
REBEL TECH [through headset]  
  
You mean run around screaming like an imbecile?  
  
Vimes puts his hand over his eyes.  
  
VIMES [into headset]  
  
No! That's emergency procedure 237!  
  
REBEL TECH [through headset]  
  
Then what's emergency procedure 239?  
  
VIMES [into headsett]  
  
[as patiently as he can] Shut down your terminal and get to defense positions!  
  
REBEL TECH [through headset]  
  
Okay. [long pause] Sir?  
  
VIMES [into headset]  
  
What?  
  
REBEL TECH [through headset]  
  
I have good news and bad news.  
  
VIMES [into headset]  
  
[sotto] Oh gods... [bracing himself] What's the good news?  
  
REBEL TECH [through headset]  
  
The red blip has stopped its approach, about two kilometers up.  
  
VIMES [into headset]  
  
[dreading] And the bad news?  
  
REBEL TECH [through headset]  
  
It's released a bunch of smaller red blips that are headed this way.  
  
VIMES  
  
Dammit! [into headset] Battlestations!  
  
His voice echoes now through the intercom throughout the base. Anonymous Rebels scramble through the hallways, theoretically according to some sort of drill that they may have practiced before.  
  
VIMES [intercom]  
  
Come on, people, we knew this would happen eventually! You all know where you need to go, now go there!  
  
Human pilots vault into fighter vessels and fasten their helmets as other pilots rocket past them into the impending battle. Dwarves and trolls thunder through the armoury and grab suitable weapons - axes, mainly; though a handful of the trolls favor massive ballistas, which they wield like crossbows.  
  
OUTSIDE,  
  
The Imperial attackers fly low over the base, peppering the real estate with laser fire. The Rebel forces scream out of the hangar through a massive sliding panel hidden just under the desertscape to meet the attackers and exchange niceties and firepower. Under this cover, a number of civilian passenger ships thunder out of the hangar and away to parts unknown.  
  
An Imperial attacker swoops low to shoot at a troll ballistaman and learns why you shouldn't do that - the troll fires at the attacker with what amounts to a small tree with a barbed metal point on its business end, which tears through the vessel's wing nicely and sends the whole affair pinwheeling gracelessly to explode on the tarmac.  
  
The Rebel defenders fight valiantly against the Imperial vessels, but the Rebels are relatively disorganized compared to the predatory precision of the Empire. It soon becomes apparent that more Rebels than Imperials are being destroyed. As the defense weakens, the attackers turn their attention to securing the base itself.  
  
INSIDE,  
  
Rincewind, hearing all the explosions and ruckus outside, huddles deeper into the maintenance corridor, or tries to. One of his hands - his lightsaber hand - grabs the lapels of his robe as if powered by an unseen force and gives him a solid shake. He yelps and tries to push his own hand away, getting a slap to the face in response. He grabs his errant hand by the wrist and holds it away from him.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
[addressing his hand] Listen, I have had quite enough Jedi heroing for one week! I just want to hide here until it's all over... [weakly] And my friends get captured... [even weaker] And I'm left here all alone... [blinks] Cut it out!  
  
ELSEWHERE IN THE BASE...  
  
Vimes watches with concern as Rebel after Rebel falls under the onslaught. He wars with himself for several seconds, then comes to a decision.  
  
VIMES [into headset]  
  
Ridcully! Do you read me? RIDCULLY!  
  
An explosion rocks the base, and Vimes staggers, trying to regain his balance.  
  
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON  
  
Ridcully glares at the radio, then at Chewbacca.  
  
VIMES [radio]  
  
We're under attack! [static] forces have found the base! We're getting [static] pasted down here!  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
[to Chewbacca] You gave him our *hailing frequency*?!  
  
Chewie gives him a look that dares him to do something about it. Ridcully scowls.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
[sotto] Bloody treacherous monkey...  
  
[he picks up the microphone to answer the hail]  
  
What the hell do you want?!  
  
VIMES [radio]  
  
[swallowing his pride] Listen. We didn't meet on the best of terms--  
  
RIDCULLY [into microphone]  
  
We'll discuss our mutual hatred later! Now did you just call to talk or do you want me to save your ass?  
  
Chewie gives Ridcully a superior smirk. Ridcully makes a rude gesture at the ape.  
  
OUTSIDE,  
  
most of the Rebel fighters have been defeated, and what remain are kept busy trying to fend off the now superior numbers of Imperial attackers. Thus, they are unable to address the Imperial flagship [a vessel roughly three times the size of the Falcon] coming in for a landing on the tarmac. The Imperial fighters now hover low in apparent deference to their leader as one gull-wing door opens in the side of the flagship, and Darth Vetinari and his armoured entourage exit and approach the door to the base.  
  
A few laser blasts later, the door is open and the base has been penetrated.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
[addressing the storm troopers] Gentlemen, we currently have two objectives. One, find the leader of the Rebel Alliance and capture him. Two, find the rogue Ridcully and capture him. If objectives one and two cannot be fulfilled, take hostages. We need leverage against both of them. As of right now, all weapons are to be set on stun. If I find that any weapons are not on stun after you begin shooting at the Rebels, you will have the advantage of learning a good many things in the last seconds of your life. Is that understood?  
  
STORM TROOPERS [unison]  
  
Yessir!  
  
The storm troopers jog away deeper into the base.  
  
Vetinari strolls casually along the corridors of his newfound acquisition and pauses by a door. He looks thoughtful, sensing something slightly amiss, and abruptly snatches open the door and thrusts his head into the dark maintenance corridor beyond. He looks around for several beats, finds nothing, and finally straightens up and goes on his way, leaving the door open.  
  
A few beats later, we see the handle of a lightsaber start to drop from somewhere above the doorway, but it gets caught in midair by a thin hand, blurring as it moves, clad in a red sleeve.  
  
PAN AROUND  
  
so we are looking straight up at the ceiling of the maintenance corridor, where Rincewind hangs, spreadeagled, his ankles hooked over steam pipes and his free hand, the one not clutching the errant lightsaber handle, gripping a rafter so hard his knuckles have gone white. His hat is balanced on the back of his head to prevent its falling. He carefully rehooks the lightsaber handle onto his belt, acutely aware of how narrowly he avoided detection. Welcome to Creative Cowardice 101.  
  
OUTSIDE...  
  
The Millennium Falcon hovers above the captured Rebel base. The remainder of the Imperial ships have landed out front, so the Falcon lands in back, next to the open hangar door.  
  
Vimes and a small handful of Rebels hurry out of the hangar and over to the ship as the boarding ramp whirrs down.  
  
Ridcully appears at the top of the ramp to greet them.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
All for one, huh?  
  
VIMES  
  
Shut up.  
  
He pushes past Ridcully. The next person up the ramp is SGT COLON, followed by NOBBY, then a few nameless extras.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
Where's Mr. Jedi Master?  
  
COLON  
  
We couldn't find him anywhere. I assume that he was on one of the civvie transports that left when we got attacked.  
  
VIMES [within]  
  
Any word on my wife? [to Nobby] I thought I told you to go find her.  
  
NOBBY  
  
Well, I saw her dragons getting loaded onto one of the transports, and you know her and those dragons.  
  
VIMES  
  
[relieved] She wouldn't leave them.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
Excuse me? Did you say *dragons*?  
  
VIMES  
  
Swamp dragons. They're a... hobby of hers.  
  
NOBBY  
  
More like an obsession. You shoulda seen the look on Vimes' face the first time--  
  
VIMES  
  
[warning] Corporal...  
  
NOBBY  
  
[taking the hint] Yessir.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
If everybody's aboard who's coming aboard, then let's motor. It's only a matter of time before they notice us.  
  
Just then three storm troopers charge out of the open hangar.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
Like now! Chewie!  
  
The boarding ramp shuts as the troopers open fire. The Falcon lifts off, kicking up a small sandstorm, and the troopers retreat into the shelter of the hangar, shouting into their communicators.  
  
As the Falcon hurtles away from the Rebel base, half a dozen Imperial fighters take off and give chase.  
  
INT - REBEL BASE  
  
The hallway is in a state of minor chaos as the stormtroopers secure their hostages. As Vetinari surveys their work, a trooper jogs up to the Sith Lord.  
  
TROOPER #1  
  
Sir, a ship identified as that belonging to Ridcully has been seen picking up Rebels from the hangar. Our pilots are giving chase now.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
Good. I want that ship captured immediately. I will not accept failure.  
  
EXT - THE CHASE  
  
The Falcon, going full-throttle, bobs and weaves to avoid the laser fire of the pursuing fighters.  
  
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON  
  
Ridcully glares straight ahead, dodging the incoming laser fire by instinct alone as the ship hurtles steadily Rimwards.  
  
VIMES  
  
I sure as hell hope you know what you're doing!  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
Oh, yeah. I've done this lots of times.  
  
VIMES  
  
You get chased and shot at a lot?  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
Things like this let you know you're alive.  
  
VIMES  
  
I'll take your word for it.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
Better grab onto something.  
  
VIMES  
  
Wh—?  
  
Ridcully pushes the Little Red Button. The Falcon surges forward. Vimes tumbles backward.  
  
INT - REBEL BASE  
  
A small cluster of stormtroopers have someone cautiously at a standoff in a cul-de-sac. We don't see who the lucky contestant is just yet.  
  
TROOPER #2  
  
There's no escape. Just put. The dragon. D—  
  
A tongue of blue-green flame roars out of the cul-de-sac, forcing the troopers to dive for cover. Before they can recover, a figure with a three- foot-long swamp dragon tucked under one arm like a bagpipe dashes out of the cul-de-sac and leaps over the troopers.  
  
The troopers scramble to their feet and give chase, firing at the fleeing back, knocking the Rebel down. The dragon leaps away as its handler falls, scrambling away from the excitement as fast as it can.  
  
The stormtroopers approach the fallen Rebel and turn the body over. It is a sturdily-built woman on her late thirties, wearing thick padding around her forearms which clash horribly with her noblewoman's dress. Meet LADY SYBIL RAMKIN.  
  
As the troopers lean down to pick her up, her eyes suddenly open and she punches the nearest trooper in the head hard enough to knock him against a wall. She manages to kick another in the knee and a third squarely in the codpiece before a fourth trooper slams the butt of his rifle against her temple, knocking her out. The uninjured troopers pick her up under her arms and start to drag her out of the base.  
  
*****  
  
End Part 3. 


	4. And Now, the Requisite Harrowing Escapes...

VimesLady - You want suspense?! I'll give ya suspense!  
  
Disclaimer: See Part 1  
  
*****  
  
EXT - THE CHASE  
  
The Falcon is now traveling over the open sea. Two of the pursuers have been knocked out by the methane blast, but the four remainders are still in the race and closing the distance.  
  
Ahead, the water drops off abruptly as they near the Rimfall, the mist refracting the magical field of the Disc into the eight-coloured Rimbow.  
  
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON  
  
VIMES  
  
You *do* know what that is ahead, don't you?  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
Yup.  
  
VIMES  
  
The edge of the Disc.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
Yup.  
  
VIMES  
  
Ever done this before?  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
Yup.  
  
VIMES  
  
Did it work?  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
[after a pause] Define 'work'.  
  
He shoves down on the controls, and...  
  
EXT - THE RIM  
  
...the Falcon plunges over the Rimfall. It continues straight down the ragged cliff-edge of the Disc, scything through the waters of the Rimfall in a spray of refracted colours.  
  
One of the fighters, seeing this apparently suicidal move, breaks off pursuit, but the remaining three mimic the maneuver. A fighter overcompensates in an effort to keep the Falcon in sight, and it ricochets off a rocky overhang, spiraling off into space in a shower of sparks. Four down, two to go, and the two to go are still hanging on.  
  
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON  
  
Vimes clutches the back of the command chair, scarcely believing that the crazy old coot therein is actually doing this. Ridcully and Chewie are locked in nearly identical postures of navigational concentration; one false move now and they would be so much debris.  
  
VIMES  
  
Ridcully, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
Just saying hi to the downstairs neighbors...  
  
VIMES  
  
You're actually thinking of flying *under* the Disc?! Are you CRAZY?!  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
They'd be crazy to follow us, wouldn't they?  
  
VIMES  
  
[beat] That's not the point and you know it!  
  
EXT - MILLENNIUM FALCON  
  
After several interminable seconds they clear the bottom edge of the Rim, and the ship completes the maneuver, following the contours of the Rim around to the shaded side of the Disc and executing a half-turn so they are upright again. The ship's lights come on, illuminating the right ear of an unimaginably huge Elephant. The ship maneuvers to pass beneath the Elephant, scarcely a microscopic speck compared to the creature's bulk, as the Disc slowly grinds past on the creature's shoulders.  
  
The Elephant tosses its head as the Imperial fighters come around the bottom edge of the Rim, and they are forced to maneuver frantically to avoid the massive trunk. They dive under the Elephant, into the inverted canyon between its forelegs.  
  
Now comes the tricky part.  
  
The Falcon weaves its way around the huge leathery legs belonging to the four cosmic-sized Elephants, at times zooming dangerously close to the meteor-pocked shell of the even bigger Turtle they all stand on. One of the Elephants idly shifts its weight from one hindfoot to the other, and the Falcon dives into the space that forms between the huge foot and the shell beneath. After a moment of hesitation, one of the fighters follows.  
  
The tiny ship races to get through the gap that even now is starting to close. The smooth footpad looms overhead, and up ahead the gap that leads to freedom and relative safety becomes narrower... and narrower...  
  
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON  
  
Chewie covers his eyes with his hands and hunkers down in the copilot's seat. Vimes is almost strangling the command chair - or Ridcully in effigy. Ridcully's teeth are bared as he concentrates on that little gap.  
  
VIMES  
  
[sotto] Not gonna make it...  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
We're gonna make it!  
  
The gap continues to narrow.  
  
VIMES  
  
Not gonna make it...  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
Godsdammit, do you wanna fly the bloody ship?! WE ARE GOING... TO MAKE IT!  
  
EXT - THE CHASE  
  
Indeed, at the very last possible second the Falcon squirts out of the gap like a tiddlywink, kicking up a few sparks as its rear end is nudged downwards by the Elephant's heel to bounce lightly off A'Tuin's shell.  
  
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON  
  
Ridcully fights with the controls to stabilize the ship. Somewhere behind, we hear a muffled explosion from the less-fortunate Imperial fighter as it is crushed under the Elephant's foot. Vimes is pale, and looks like his life just flashed before his eyes when the ship got bounced. Ridcully wipes the sweat from his brow with his sleeve and exhales heavily.  
  
  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
See? Nothing to it.  
  
They hear the other fighter approaching.  
  
RIDCULLY [contd]  
  
Whoops. Looks like we'll have to do that again.  
  
VIMES  
  
[strangled protest]  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
Kidding, kidding. Keep your dress tunic on, willya?  
  
EXT - THE CHASE  
  
The last Imperial fighter approaches the scene and searches around the Elephant's foot with its lights. The Falcon is nowhere to be seen.  
  
RAPID PAN UP TO:  
  
THE MILLENNIUM FALCON  
  
parked, nose-downwards, on a gently curving, rocky-looking surface. CAMERA pulls back to reveal more of their parking spot. As the Falcon dwindles away to a mere speck on the shadowy surface, at the left edge of the frame some sort of geographical formation becomes visible - a roughly wedge- shaped formation that presently moves, flicking a brush of stringy hair over the now merely pebbly surface.  
  
VIMES [o.s.]  
  
Remind me again why we're parked on the ass of a giant elephant?  
  
RIDCULLY [o.s.]  
  
It's called 'hiding', Vimes. Certainly you've heard of it.  
  
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON  
  
Through the windscreen, they watch as the distant Imperial fighter hunts around a bit more, finally concludes that the Falcon got stepped on as well, and flies away.  
  
INT - REBEL BASE  
  
Rincewind opens a maintenance door about an inch and watches from about six inches above the floor as Lady Sybil is dragged towards the flagship. He chews his bottom lip anxiously, debating his next course of action. Something chirps at him inside the maintenance corridor. He bangs his head on the doorjamb in a reflexive escape attempt.  
  
As he rubs his bruised temple, he looks over at the source of the chirping, and sees a sad, abandoned-looking swamp dragon. The dragon whines mournfully and looks at him with big puppy-eyes.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Oh... you were with... [indicates Lady Sybil outside]  
  
The dragon chirps at him. Rincewind's heart melts and he scoops up the little dragon.  
  
RINCEWIND [contd.]  
  
We have to get out of here. It isn't safe.  
  
He peers through the door to makes sure the coast is clear, then bursts through at a sprint, the swamp dragon under his arm with its tail curled around his waist under his cloak and its head held straight out, making for an amusing silhouette.  
  
EXT - REBEL BASE  
  
As he plows through the main door of the base, the Imperial flagship is just starting to take off. He starts to run to one side, away from the flagship, but suddenly he turns, skidding on the tarmac and starts pelting towards the flagship, blurring as he runs.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Don't wanna do this...  
  
He watches, still sprinting, as the landing skids lift off the tarmac.  
  
RINCEWIND [contd.]  
  
Don't wanna do this...!  
  
The skids are about six feet off the tarmac as he leaps desperately for one of them.  
  
RINCEWIND [contd.]  
  
Don't wanna do this!  
  
His free hand briefly closes on the strut itself, sending the edge of the skid into his stomach and knocking the wind out of him. His fingers slip, and he slides back, now clinging to the edge of the skid with a hand now darkened with motor grease as the ground gets further and further away. He starts to panic.  
  
RINCEWIND [contd.]  
  
OhShitOhShitOhShit...  
  
The swamp dragon wriggles out from under his arm and claws its way up him until it is standing on the landing skid. It wraps its tail around the landing strut and grabs Rincewind's sleeve in its teeth, growling slightly as it attempts to pull him up.  
  
Rincewind wipes his now-free hand on his trousers to remove the sweat and grabs onto the skid a little more securely. He swings his legs up until he catches one heel on the landing skid and attempts to pull the rest of himself up. The swamp dragon abandons his sleeve to tug on his trouser cuff, helping to pull him onto the skid.  
  
Once he is relatively safe on the skid, clinging to the strut like it might suddenly decide to kick him away, he pauses, trying to get his breath back. The swamp dragon snuggles up next to him, gurgling happily, and he scratches it behind the ear-frills in gratitude. Presently the ship retracts its landing struts - and its two new passengers - into its belly.  
  
EXT - LANCRE  
  
The tiny vessel Carrot pilots zooms low over a rich green field.  
  
INT - VESSEL  
  
Threepio is trying to navigate Carrot to a safe landing spot.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Pull up! If we try to land at this speed you'll take the skids right off!  
  
Carrot eases up on the throttle slightly.  
  
CARROT  
  
You know, you said Lancre would be a tough place to try to land... looks okay to me.  
  
EXT - VESSEL  
  
The ship sideswipes a shrub protruding through the greenery, causing the ship to rock to one side.  
  
INT - VESSEL  
  
Threepio shouts in alarm as the ship starts to skid and bounce. Carrot is focused on the task of landing, his gaze flickering back and forth between the windscreen and the control panel.  
  
EXT - VESSEL  
  
The landing skids whirr out, snatching at the ground below.  
  
INT - VESSEL  
  
The ship bounces and skids to a very rocky landing. Once the ship has stopped moving, Carrot, pleased with the result, powers down the ship and begins unfastening his seat harness. He pauses and tilts his head as they both hear an ominous groaning sound beneath them  
  
Threepio's expression changes from relief to unpleasant realization.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Master Carrot?  
  
CARROT  
  
Yes?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
I just realized something very important.  
  
CARROT  
  
What's that?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
There *are* no green fields in Lancre! Hang on—!  
  
The protocol droid reflexively wraps his arms around Carrot's shoulders to brace him as...  
  
EXT - VESSEL  
  
The ship suddenly pitches sharply to one side amid the sound of branches snapping, then vanishes from sight as they plunge uncontrollably through the forest canopy.  
  
ON THE VESSEL  
  
as it is bounced and jolted from one branch to another, breaking them off under its weight and momentum. Though the fall is slowed somewhat by the branches, they still hit the ground hard when they run out of branches before they run out of momentum. It balances on its nose for about fifteen seconds, then tips over like a massive domino.  
  
FWOOOSH!  
  
The muddy water explodes from the previously solid skin of lichen and algae at the impact, and the little ship floats, belly-up, on the surface of a stagnant lake in the middle of the dank Lancrastian swamp. After a startled pause:  
  
CARROT [within]  
  
I'd say that went relatively well, wouldn't you?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO [within]  
  
With all due respect, sir... go bugger yourself.  
  
From somewhere underwater, we hear the door open, and the air that had been in the cockpit now burbles out on one side of the ship. Carrot surfaces after a few seconds, catching his breath and treading water, and looks around at where they've ended up. Near him, the cubical supply boxes bob to the surface, and Carrot starts pushing them towards the shore.  
  
CARROT  
  
Threepio, could you give me a hand here?  
  
Threepio's head appears above the surface of the water.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
I think it's best if I secure the ship first and make sure there isn't any dangerous wildlife nearby we need to watch out for.  
  
CARROT  
  
That sounds like a good plan. By the way, I hope these boxes are watertight or we're going to have a lot of wet supplies.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
The probability of one of those boxes leaking is very close to nil. Now, if you'll excuse me...  
  
He drops gently back below the surface. Through the muddy water, Carrot sees twin beams of light appear and cast about slowly as Threepio checks.  
  
UNDERWATER...  
  
Threepio walks along the lake bottom, his eyes glowing and the light amplified by his spectacles until the resulting illumination is similar to that from the flashlights used by the FBI in "The X-Files."  
  
A vague shadow looms out of the cloudy darkness near him, and presently the droid turns, stepping back in alarm as his gaze abruptly reveals what appears to be some dangerous wildlife - something like a giant moray eel with webbed claws.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
[note: since Threepio has a synthesizer, he is able to talk clearly underwater.]  
  
OH SHIT!  
  
ON CARROT  
  
as he hears this shout of alarm and looks up from his task.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO [from underwater]  
  
Master Carrot!  
  
Carrot turns, his blaster drawn, just in time to see the churning water settle down. He looks around frantically for any sign of the protocol droid.  
  
  
  
CARROT  
  
Threepio?!  
  
[no answer]  
  
THREEPIO!  
  
Suddenly the water explodes as Threepio, screaming at the top of his synthesizer, is spit out of the lake.  
  
Carrot watches the droid's graceful trajectory as Threepio, still screaming, sails high over the fen. [note: we do not actually see Threepio, only Carrot, at this point.] He winces as the droid impacts and slides with a drawn-out, muddy sound that ends with a very solid-sounding THUD. Carrot flinches at this last sound, then jogs over to see if Threepio is okay.  
  
He comes to the beginning of a furrow in the mud, which gets deeper as Carrot follows it, and ends in a pile of mud huddled against a tree. He approaches the pile of mud carefully.  
  
CARROT  
  
Threepio? Are you okay?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO [inside the pile of mud]  
  
[flatly] Just dandy. I have water in my servos, moss in my joints, and mud in places I didn't even know droids had. HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?!  
  
Carrot jumps slightly at the outburst.  
  
CARROT  
  
Do you need some help?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
That would be lovely, sir.  
  
Carrot begins digging the mud away with his bare hands.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]  
  
Hi everyone, sorry I'm late.  
  
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR [o.s.]  
  
Where have you been? We're already 45 minutes into the movie!  
  
Carrot manages to unearth a fair portion of Threepio.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]  
  
It was the weirdest thing - someone welded me into my trailer while I was having lunch. Maintenance had to borrow one of the lightsabers from Props to cut me out.  
  
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR [o.s.]  
  
Are you okay?  
  
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]  
  
Yeah, I'm okay... but I think script security might have been compromised. Someone hacked in and changed a couple of names around.  
  
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR [o.s.]  
  
Which names, sir?  
  
Carrot helps Threepio stand up. Currently, they are only half paying attention to this conversation, until:  
  
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]  
  
'Artoo' and 'Ponder Threepio'. It was really weird.  
  
Threepio stares, wide-eyed, into the camera.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Are you telling me... that I really wasn't supposed to be here?!  
  
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]  
  
Yeah. Artoo was the one who was supposed to be swallowed by a swamp monster and then spit 40 feet into a tree.  
  
Threepio's head starts to steam.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Why, that... treacherous little astromech!  
  
Threepio starts throwing a fit, screaming obscenities in alien languages while Carrot looks on in bewilderment and concern. Polite translations flicker frenetically at the bottom of the screen until something explodes offscreen.  
  
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR [o.s.]  
  
Wow. He broke the subtitle generator.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]  
  
Probably just as well. I'm trying to keep this PG-13.  
  
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR [o.s.]  
  
Of course, this means we can't have any Artoo scenes until it's fixed.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]  
  
I'm sure he'll get over it.  
  
*****  
  
End Part 4. 


	5. Meetings

Disclaimer: See Part 1.  
  
*****  
  
INT - IMPERIAL FLAGSHIP  
  
In a maintenance room, the catch on a set of metal double doors rattles, gently at first, then more energetically. They are locked from our side, and won't budge.  
  
VYOOM...  
  
The blade of Rincewind's lightsaber eases through the gap between the doors, cuts through the bolt, and vanishes. The doors are pushed open from within, revealing Rincewind as he returns the lightsaber handle to his belt, and his new friend. Rincewind exits the maintenance shed for the landing strut, then scoops up the swamp dragon when it balks.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
[to the dragon] Come on, you. If I have to be here, you come with me. [surveys his new surroundings] All righty... I'm still not sure this is such a hot idea... but as long as I'm here my inner Jedi sure as hell isn't going to let me leave.  
  
The dragon chirps in confusion.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Don't ask. Now, if I were the evil supreme overlord of the galaxy, where would I put my hostages?  
  
He makes his way to another door opposite the maintenance shed and presses his ear against it to listen. Upon hearing nothing, he opens the door and steps out into the corridor.  
  
TROOPER [o.s.]  
  
Hey, you!  
  
Rincewind freezes, then turns his head to look at the stormtrooper. The dragon is currently hidden under his cloak.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Um... Hi.  
  
The trooper points his rifle at Rincewind.  
  
TROOPER  
  
Don't move!  
  
He steps towards the trembling wizzard.  
  
TROOPER [contd.]  
  
Now, put your hands where I can see them!  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
I... can't do that.  
  
TROOPER  
  
Why not?  
  
Rincewind turns so the dragon in his arms is visible. It hisses at the storm trooper.  
  
TROOPER  
  
What the hell—?  
  
The dragon belches, and a ball of blue-green flame rolls out of its mouth.  
  
ELSEWHERE...  
  
Darth Vetinari looks up with an expression of hawklike alertness. He has sensed Rincewind.  
  
TROOPER  
  
Sir?  
  
Vetinari looks back at the group of stormtroopers, who are presenting him with Lady Ramkin as one of their hostages. Her wrists are bound behind her back and the troopers on either side of her hold her firmly, despite her struggles.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
Lady Sybil Ramkin... the Dragon Lady. Wife to the leader of the Rebel Alliance. This is quite a pleasant turn of events. Tell me, Lady Sybil, do you think your husband would die for your sake?  
  
LADY SYBIL  
  
I remember when you were a *proper* civic leader, *Havelock*!  
  
He flinches at her use of his given name in mixed company.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
Lord Havelock Vetinari was merely the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork. [smugly] As for me... the entire Disc fears the name of Darth Vetinari!  
  
LADY SYBIL  
  
Heartless bastard...  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
[amused] Bastard? My dear Sybil, I can trace my noble lineage back five generations - which is more that I can say for that Shades-born husband of yours.  
  
She wrenches her way out of the troopers' grip and charges the Sith Lord. He coolly holds up a hand, and she is stopped barely inches from doing serious injury to him, her feet locked to the floor. He offers her a self- important ghost of a smile. She spits in his face. He reflexively flinches back, then wipes the spittle off his cheek with a gloved hand and appears to study it.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
You know, I was fully prepared to provide you with comfortable accommodations, because of course your safety is vital to your value as a hostage. Your noncooperation is wearing my patience thin.  
  
LADY SYBIL  
  
Well, it's not my fault you feel inadequate.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
I beg your pardon?  
  
LADY SYBIL  
  
[desperate to get her licks in] That bloody lightsaber you swing about! Everybody KNOWS what that thing symbolizes!  
  
Vetinari reddens.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
GUARDS! Take her away! Maybe a night with the scorpions will teach her some manners!  
  
The stormtroopers grab her by the arms and drag her away.  
  
LADY SYBIL  
  
By the way, NICE PERFUME!  
  
Vetinari grinds his teeth and takes a few cleansing breaths. Eventually he notices the lone officer still hanging about near him.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
I trust you weren't paying any attention to that.  
  
OFFICER  
  
No sir. I wasn't paying any attention to the remarks she made regarding the size of your lightsaber.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
Good. You're dismissed.  
  
The officer salutes, turns smartly on his heel, and walks away. A few beats later:  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
Wait a minute...  
  
EXT - LANCRE - SWAMP  
  
Threepio appears to have gotten whatever he needed to get out of his system, out of his system. He is still agitated, though, as Carrot attempts to clean the mud and such out of the droid.  
  
CARROT  
  
Feel better?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
A bit. This place is creepy, though.  
  
Carrot pauses in his cleaning and looks around at their surroundings. Fog hangs thickly in the air, clinging damply to the two travellers and muffling any sounds, so that it becomes difficult to gauge how far away a sound is. Occasionally the sodden earth releases a bubble of natural gas. Carrot shivers and returns his attention to the droid, who is now standing very still, compared to his previous fidgeting, and looking fixedly at something offscreen, located behind and somewhat to the right of Carrot.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Sir...  
  
CARROT  
  
[re: the swamp] It does kind of give me the creeps.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Sir...?  
  
CARROT  
  
It just feels like...  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
[urgently] Sir?!  
  
CARROT  
  
... Like...  
  
VOICE [o.s.]  
  
Feels like what?  
  
Carrot turns around and jumps back in one less-than-fluid movement, nearly colliding with Threepio, and points his blaster at the newcomer.  
  
He finds himself aiming at an old woman, clad all in black, her gray hair in a severe bun, with a pointy witch's hat secured to her head with about thirty hatpins. She is tall and thin, with a piercing stare, and above all, she looms.  
  
OLD WOMAN  
  
Put your weapon away. I mean you no harm.  
  
[Carrot slowly lowers his blaster]  
  
I was just curious.  
  
CARROT  
  
Curious? About what?  
  
OLD WOMAN  
  
About what brings you to Lancre.  
  
CARROT  
  
I was told I could find somebody here.  
  
OLD WOMAN  
  
[amused] And so it seems you have.  
  
CARROT  
  
A great Jedi sorceress.  
  
OLD WOMAN  
  
A sorceress?! [starts laughing] Ain't nobody around here but me.  
  
CARROT  
  
[disappointed] Oh. Maybe you could tell us where we could find this Weatherwax person.  
  
OLD WOMAN  
  
Oh, *her*. I know all about her.  
  
CARROT  
  
[brightening] Can you take us to her?  
  
OLD WOMAN  
  
Of course. But first, you better dry off and get a hot meal in you. You both look like you've been dragged the wrong way through a sewer pipe. [beckons] Follow me.  
  
She pulls her threadbare cloak about her and strides away, not checking to see if either one of them follows her.  
  
Carrot and Threepio exchange a glance.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
[wearily] I'll watch the camp.  
  
CARROT  
  
Thanks.  
  
Carrot jogs off after the Old Woman.  
  
INT - STAR DESTROYER  
  
Darth Vetinari, his moment of triumph once again spoiled by his own hostage, stomps down the corridor to a piece best titled "The Imperial Tantrum." A officer approaches him nervously, sensing his mood.  
  
OFFICER  
  
Sir...?  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
This has really not been a good week for me. I hope that whatever you feel is so important that you would approach me now, of all times, and risk the possibility of getting your head crushed like an egg, is sufficiently important that I find a reason to refrain from doing so.  
  
The officer swallows hard, thinking that maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
Well? Speak up! I haven't got all day! Why did you want to see me?  
  
OFFICER  
  
[weakly] Homicide, sir.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
Homicide. Ours, theirs, or yours?  
  
OFFICER  
  
Erm...  
  
Vetinari stares at the balking officer hard enough to give the officer a nosebleed. Said officer, noting the sensation, begins hyperventilating.  
  
OFFICER [contd.]  
  
One of our... our g... guards was killed by, by some maniac with a, a, a flamethrower. S... s... sir.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
A flamethrower.  
  
OFFICER  
  
Yessir.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
Where?  
  
OFFICER  
  
Near one of the maintenance sheds. I can show you if you like.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
You do that.  
  
Exeunt Darth Vetinari and the Officer. At the end of the hall in which they were just standing, Rincewind slips past an open doorway, trailing a few wisps of smoke. He still has the dragon under his arm.  
  
ON RINCEWIND  
  
as he scurries down the corridor, trying to avoid detection... despite, or because of, his reptilian cargo. He slides to a halt at a T-junction and flattens himself against the wall next to the side passage. The dragon mimics Rincewind's posture, extending its neck up to rest against his shoulder. After a few tense beats, both wizzard and dragon lean over to peer cautiously around the corner.  
  
There, about twenty feet away, Rincewind sees Preston and Logan engaged in conversation.  
  
LOGAN  
  
Dude, this future sucks!  
  
PRESTON  
  
Totally... but the Sith-dude confiscated our phone booth.  
  
Rincewind mouths "Sith-dude?"  
  
The dragon trills in agreement.  
  
LOGAN  
  
You think he *really* put her in a scorpion pit?  
  
PRESTON  
  
It would be totally heinous of him if he did - and bogus for her.  
  
The dragon snuffles like it has to sneeze. Rincewind stares at it, motioning frantically for it to stay quiet.  
  
LOGAN  
  
Maybe we could ask him to be nice to her?  
  
The dragon continues snuffling - a sneeze is nearly inevitable. Rincewind puts his finger across its nose to stave off the impending sneeze.  
  
PRESTON  
  
Dude, I dunno if that would work. He's totally evil.  
  
The dragon bites Rincewind's finger, and Rincewind jerks his hand away, shaking it and emoting in silent pain.  
  
The dragon sneezes explosively, the force of the sneeze producing a small, short-lived, but conspicuous fireball.  
  
Preston and Logan look towards the sound and the flash, just in time to see Rincewind and the dragon duck back around the corner.  
  
PRESTON  
  
Dude? Someone there?  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
No!  
  
Preston and Logan exchange a puzzled glance.  
  
RINCEWIND [contd.]  
  
It's just a... [sotto] shit... [aloud] [echo] It's just a, er, an atmospheric anomaly! [/echo]  
  
LOGAN  
  
[to Preston] I didn't take chemistry this year. What's an... [hesitates]  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
[helping] Atmospheric anomaly!  
  
LOGAN  
  
Thanks, dude.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
No problem.  
  
PRESTON  
  
I think that means someone lit a fart in the corridor.  
  
Rincewind absorbs this definition thoughtfully, then looks at the dragon in his arms.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
[sotto] That's about what it smelled like, anyway.  
  
The dragon scowls and puts its ear-frills back at him. I am *not* an atmospheric anomaly, it seems to be saying.  
  
LOGAN  
  
[re: the lit fart theory] Yah. There *has* to be someone on this ship who isn't totally lame.  
  
PRESTON  
  
How fortuitous that we had that dude hiding around the corner to tell us.  
  
Rincewind jumps, then mouths a curse. Of course they *had* to be immune to Jedi mind tricks. He takes a deep breath and rounds the corner to confront them.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
[resigned] Okay, you got me. I might as well tell you why I'm here, because otherwise you'll just torture it out of me with red-hot pokers and rather intimate bits of me.  
  
Preston and Logan exchange another bewildered glance. Obviously this was the furthest thing from their mind.  
  
PRESTON  
  
Dude. Chill.  
  
Rincewind looks at them apprehensively, holding the swamp dragon in front of his chest like a shield.  
  
LOGAN  
  
Don't tell the Sith-dude, but we're totally good guys, too.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Good... guys?  
  
PRESTON/ LOGAN  
  
Totally.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Ah. Yes. I see.  
  
It is clear he doesn't.  
  
PRESTON  
  
Allow us to introduce ourselves. I am Bill S. Preston, Esquire...  
  
LOGAN  
  
And I am Ted "Theodore" Logan...  
  
PRESTON  
  
Together we are...  
  
PRESTON/ LOGAN  
  
Wyld Stallyns!  
  
Massive double air guitar.  
  
Rincewind looks at them with the carefully blank expression of the sane humouring the insane.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
[diplomatically] ... Right... Yes... Wild stallions... Gotcha.  
  
There is a long pause.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
[abruptly] I don't suppose either of you might know where they've put Lady Sybil--after all, me being a good guy I'm under a narrative obligation to rescue her and all... and give her back...[trails off, indicating the dragon]  
  
LOGAN  
  
Oh, we totally understand, right Bill?  
  
PRESTON  
  
Totally. The scorpion pits are down that way [points down the corridor the way he and Logan had come], the third left, listen for the screaming.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
[alarmed] They're not torturing her, are they?  
  
LOGAN  
  
We heard she pulled one of the guards in when they threw her in.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Oh... poor guard.  
  
PRESTON / LOGAN  
  
[agreeing] Dude.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Well. I'll be going then.  
  
He touches the brim of his hat to them and starts off.  
  
PRESTON  
  
We'll give the Dark Lord a melvin for you!  
  
Rincewind pauses, nearly asks what a melvin is, finally decides he doesn't want to know that badly, and continues on.  
  
*****  
  
End Part 5. 


	6. Weatherwax

Disclaimer: See Part 1.  
  
*****  
  
EST - OLD WOMAN'S COTTAGE  
  
It is pouring down rain in the swamp. The old woman's cottage seems to have been constructed without the aid of a level or a straightedge, and it looks like someone constructed it out of gelatin and froze it in mid-wobble - even the chimney resembles a corkscrew. A medium-sized tree has grown in the thatching.  
  
Threepio, now relatively clean save for a few defiant streaks of mud on his shell, squelches over to the cottage to take shelter under one of the eaves, trying to wipe the last of the mud from his arms but instead only succeeding in smearing it around.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
[sotto] This is so undignified...  
  
He idly glances through a nearby window into the cottage.  
  
INT - OLD WOMAN'S COTTAGE  
  
Carrot sits at a roughly-hewn table that one might plausibly assume was constructed by the old woman herself. He appears to have mostly dried off from his swim in the swamp, though there are still a few mudstains on his face and clothing.  
  
The old woman, meanwhile, stands at a cauldron, making what we hope is soup.  
  
CARROT  
  
So, you know Weatherwax?  
  
OLD WOMAN  
  
Indeed I do. She's a good friend of mine.  
  
CARROT  
  
When can we go see her?  
  
OLD WOMAN  
  
Heh. You young people. Always in a hurry to get somewhere you ain't.  
  
[she ladles out a bowl of soup and sets it in front of him]  
  
Eat first. Then travel.  
  
She turns away to get a bowl for herself. Carrot tentatively tries a spoonful of the soup, and brightens slightly. As she seats herself opposite him:  
  
CARROT  
  
The soup is delicious, ma'am.  
  
OLD WOMAN  
  
[smiles slightly] Most folks just call me Granny.  
  
Aha. Now she has a name.  
  
CARROT  
  
Alright, Granny.  
  
GRANNY  
  
As for the soup, it's an old Lancrastian recipe I got from my mum.  
  
CARROT  
  
What's in it?  
  
He scoops a few more spoonfuls into his mouth. As he does:  
  
GRANNY  
  
Oh, this and that... Turnips, onions, lizard meat...  
  
Carrot freezes with the spoon in his mouth.  
  
GRANNY [contd.]  
  
And you notice that little bit of a spicy undertone?  
  
Carrot nods numbly, the spoon handle still sticking out of his mouth. At the point he is afraid to swallow his current mouthful.  
  
GRANNY [contd.]  
  
Oh, relax...  
  
[he looks hopeful]  
  
You act like you've never had a dish seasoned with bat spleen before.  
  
Carrot goes slightly green. He carefully removes the spoon from his mouth and, as politely as possible, pushes the bowl away from him.  
  
GRANNY  
  
Full already?  
  
[he nods mutely]  
  
Well, you've hardly touched it.  
  
He gestures to indicate that it was very good, but he is, indeed, full.  
  
Granny looks at him askance.  
  
GRANNY  
  
Then you might want to either spit out that mouthful or swallow it, before you choke.  
  
Carrot looks vaguely relieved, musters all his courage, and finally swallows.  
  
Granny, meanwhile, eats her soup with no apparent ill effects.  
  
GRANNY  
  
So, who mentioned Weatherwax to you?  
  
CARROT  
  
Rincewind. He's a great Jedi master.  
  
GRANNY  
  
[snorts] Post-mortem vision?  
  
CARROT  
  
He wasn't dead. He was hiding.  
  
GRANNY  
  
That figures. He was always rather skittish.  
  
CARROT  
  
He said that Weatherwax taught him.  
  
GRANNY  
  
She tried to. He could use the Force... sort of.  
  
CARROT  
  
That's what he said. He said he's a compulsive Jedi, and that's why he couldn't teach me.  
  
She pauses in her meal and looks at him keenly.  
  
GRANNY  
  
You're worried.  
  
CARROT  
  
Pardon?  
  
GRANNY  
  
I said you're worried. I can tell. And you have every right to be.  
  
With that, she continues eating her soup. Carrot, forgetting for a time the stomach-turning list of ingredients in the soup, pulls his bowl back towards himself and resumes eating.  
  
GRANNY  
  
Eat up. You've got a bit of a journey ahead of ye.  
  
OUTSIDE...  
  
Threepio happens to glance towards the patch of swamp in which the ship had landed.  
  
THREEPIO'S POV  
  
As he focuses his telescopic vision on the vessel. All that remains visible is one wing.  
  
Threepio taps urgently at one of the windows.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Er, Master Carrot?!  
  
Granny and Carrot look up from their soup to see Threepio peering in through the window with an urgent expression on his face. The droid is gesturing frantically towards the sinking vessel.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO [contd.]  
  
[muffled; thru window] The ship is sinking!  
  
Carrot lunges to his feet and bolts outside. Granny sighs and stands up, more slowly.  
  
GRANNY  
  
[sotto] Yeef. You park in a water hole and then act all surprised when your ship sinks.  
  
OUTSIDE...  
  
Carrot skids to a halt at the water's edge, futilely watching his ride home slowly disappear into the murk.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Can't you do something, sir?  
  
CARROT  
  
Can't *you*?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
With all due respect, you and I both know what's in that mudhole besides your ship.  
  
GRANNY [o.s.]  
  
Mudhole. Heh.  
  
Carrot and Threepio turn to look at her as she draws level with them.  
  
GRANNY [contd.]  
  
A little mud never hurt anyone - you two can attest to that.  
  
CARROT  
  
You're not saying I should swim over to it and tow it out, are you? It's small as ships go, but it's still pretty big.  
  
GRANNY  
  
I'm saying no such thing. You *could* lift it out, acourse... if you're as serious about learning the ways of the Jedi as you say.  
  
Carrot looks at her, more than a bit confused.  
  
GRANNY [contd.]  
  
Ever had something happen that you couldn't explain, or that you were able to do but couldn't say why or how?  
  
CARROT  
  
Well, I *do* remember one time back home a mine shaft was caving in... and everything was all unstable, but there were three dwarves still inside... I hoped and hoped that it wouldn't go while I was in there getting them out...  
  
GRANNY  
  
... and I bet it held just long enough for you to get them out, right?  
  
[Carrot nods]  
  
This isn't much different. Just do with the ship what you did in the mine shaft.  
  
CARROT  
  
But I don't--  
  
GRANNY  
  
[echo] Do it! [/echo]  
  
Carrot jumps slightly, then turns his attention to the ship. He takes a few deep breaths and focuses on the wingtip still poking out of the water.  
  
The ship starts to lift, slowly and unsteadily.  
  
A sheen of sweat forms on Carrot's brow.  
  
Granny watches, the beginnings of approval on her weathered face.  
  
Suddenly Carrot's concentration breaks, and he sags, leaning on Threepio for support.  
  
The ship sinks and vanishes.  
  
Granny's face clouds with disappointment.  
  
CARROT  
  
[breathless] I can't do it... too big.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
You did the best you could, sir.  
  
Granny grunts thoughtfully.  
  
GRANNY  
  
Too big? You think you're not strong enough to lift it?  
  
[Carrot shakes his head]  
  
Hm. Look at you. You're a big strong lad, healthy as a bloody horse. Look at Rincewind. Scrawniest little twerp to ever wear the title Jedi. Look at me. A stiff wind would knock me over, if I let it. This is your first lesson, boy. Pay attention.  
  
She turns her full attention to the mudhole. The ship is no longer visible. She slowly extends one hand, fingers outspread. She closes her eyes, and her face transforms from her usual granite harshness to one of serene concentration.  
  
Carrot and Threepio watch in wide-eyed wonder as...  
  
THE SHIP  
  
slowly rises out of the swamp, belly-up in a patch of churning water. Foot by foot, the vessel defies all laws of buoyancy until it is clear of the water and defying gravity instead, water pouring from the open gull-wing door as it slowly rotates until it is once again right-way-up  
  
Granny, her eyes closed, has only the slightest hint of effort on her face as she turns like a weathervane, guiding the levitating ship until it is over dry land. Then it slowly lowers to rest on the ground. Granny opens her eyes then to regard the pair of dropped jaws before her. She pulls her cloak around herself, a bit smug.  
  
GRANNY  
  
First lesson: Your strength is not always in your muscles.  
  
[beat]  
  
Shut your mouth, lad, you're attracting flies.  
  
Carrot shuts his mouth with a snap. When he recovers enough to speak again:  
  
CARROT  
  
W... Weatherwax?!  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
  
[snorts] Took you long enough to figure it out. [beat] I suggest you get some sleep - your real training begins in the morning. 


	7. FourEcks, and a Rescue

Disclaimer: See Part 1  
  
*****  
  
EXT - THE RIM  
  
The Millennium Falcon cruises up over the Rim and starts towards the Hub.  
  
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON  
  
Ridcully levels out their course just as Vimes emerges from the back.  
  
VIMES  
  
I hope you're happy. Half my men are still spacesick back there. [beat] And there's only the one loo on the whole damned ship.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
That's why I don't have carpeting, Vimesy... It's a bitch to shampoo.  
  
VIMES  
  
You're a bloody maniac, you know that?  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
[grins] One of the best. Now, where to? I gotta refuel.  
  
Vimes glances at the fuel gauge, which is at the three-quarter mark.  
  
VIMES  
  
Refuel? You still got the better part of a tank left.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
That's why I said *I* gotta refuel. I'm starving.  
  
VIMES  
  
[flatly] Yes, I suppose getting chased by the bad guys and scaring the living crap out of your passengers takes a lot out of you.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
[matter-of-fact] You have no idea.  
  
VIMES  
  
Well, we're supposed to meet up with the transports in Quirm.  
  
Ridcully taps a few keys.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
Well, between us and Quirm we got a lot of Disc to cover. Right now we're approaching FourEcks.  
  
VIMES  
  
FourEcks?  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
Home of the best damned beer on the Disc.  
  
VIMES  
  
[flatly] I should have guessed.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
[calls over his shoulder to the back] Anybody object strenuously to a stop in FourEcks?  
  
He is answered by a chorus of queasy groans that indicate that his Rebel passengers would rather not do anything strenuous right now, thank you.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
Right! FourEcks it is!  
  
He adjusts his course accordingly.  
  
INT - IMPERIAL FLAGSHIP  
  
Rincewind hurries along a corridor, sliding to a halt in front of one of the doorways. The dragon cranes its neck to sniff, then chirps happily. Rincewind heads through the doorway...  
  
... and must stop abruptly as the ship lurches slightly, or else risk pitching headlong into the scorpion pit. He flails his free arm for balance and finally gets his heels back on the floor again. Only then does he venture a peek into the pit.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Er... Lady Sybil?  
  
LADY SYBIL  
  
It's about bloody time you got here! That damned Darth Vetinari is keeping me with the most detestable company!  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Well... I'll try to get you away from those scorp--  
  
LADY SYBIL  
  
[interrupting] I mean the mimes!  
  
[she indicates a cluster of rather miserable-looking mimes keeping a judicious distance from her]  
  
They get annoying so quickly, you know.  
  
Rincewind isn't quite sure how to respond. While he's busy being confused, the dragon leans out and yaps a greeting to Lady Sybil.  
  
LADY SYBIL  
  
Ferdy?!  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
[still confused, only now more so] Huh?  
  
LADY SYBIL  
  
Oh, you've found Lord Ferdinand Jadescale the Fourth of Heliodeliphilodelphiboschremenos! [beat] I call him Ferdy, for short.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
[impressed that the place name rolled so easily out of her mouth] I can see why. Listen, I'm going to try to get you out. [to the dragon] I'm going to have to put you down, uh, Ferdy. [sotto] I may need both hands for this.  
  
The dragon complains, but lets himself be put down. Rincewind peers down into the scorpion pit dubiously.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
[to Lady Sybil] All right... you just hold still there... [sotto] O- kay... concentrate, Rincewind... you're a Jedi Master, you can do this. Mind over matter.  
  
He shuts his eyes and extends a hand meaningfully. After a beat, his face clenches into an expression of massive concentration, like he was trying to physically lift something many times his size. After another beat:  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
[strained] Anything?  
  
LADY SYBIL  
  
The mimes are levitating.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Oops.  
  
One of the mimes peeks above the edge of the pit and tries to grab the edge a split second before Rincewind stops concentrating. He falls hard, but to his credit he does not shout or curse.  
  
Rincewind wipes his brow with the edge of his sleeve.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Let's try that again, shall we?  
  
LADY SYBIL  
  
Yes. Without the 'oops', if you please  
  
As he is about to try again, Ferdy suddenly bristles, glaring hard towards the hallway outside. He growls, sounding like an irate Chihuahua. Rincewind glances down at the little dragon, then follows Ferdy's gaze. In the tense silence, we hear the distant Imperial March approaching. Rincewind mouths a curse as conflicting priorities - namely, save Lady Sybil, or save himself - war with each other.  
  
A group of about a dozen troopers approach the scorpion pits. All of them have rifles.  
  
LEAD TROOPER  
  
Alright, men... let's try and keep this tidy, right? We just go in, get Lady Sybil, and bring her out. Weapons on stun, and look sharp - her family's got Hubland stock in it, and she could probably beat up any of us.  
  
They step through the door leading to the pit. There is no sign of Rincewind or Ferdy.  
  
LEAD TROOPER  
  
Lady Sybil? [to one of the troopers] Prepare the rope ladder.  
  
[The trooper in question fastens a rolled-up rope ladder to a pair of studs at the edge of the pit]  
  
[towards the pit] Lady Syb--?  
  
He peers into the pit.  
  
A dozen mimes peer up at him. There is no sign of Lady Sybil.  
  
He glances back at the rest, who are watching him expectantly.  
  
LEAD TROOPER  
  
Minor technical difficulties.  
  
TROOPER #1  
  
She's gone, isn't she?  
  
LEAD TROOPER  
  
Um...  
  
Behind the troopers, the rope ladder is freed from its bindings by an unseen force [or an unseen Force] and unrolls into the scorpion pit.  
  
TROOPER #2  
  
There *was* a report of an intruder on board.  
  
LEAD TROOPER  
  
And nobody told me?! Listen, they couldn't have gone too far - there are only so many places they can hide on this ship. Spread out and find them before His Lordship finds out! Go!  
  
Exeunt the troopers.  
  
A few beats later, a pair of eyes open, apparently in the wall just outside and to the right of the door, at about six feet above the floor. A second later, a much smaller pair of dragon eyes open at the four-foot mark and another pair of human eyes open near the first pair of eyes. If we look closely, we might notice subtle outlines of Rincewind, Ferdy, and Lady Sybil, like cloaked Predators.  
  
Rincewind steps forward from the shadows - now quite visible, along with Ferdy and Sybil - freeing one hand from holding Ferdy in order to wipe his brow.  
  
LADY SYBIL  
  
That was amazing! It was like we were invisible or something.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
More like they couldn't notice us. [towards the pit] Okay, then, they're gone now. You can come up now.  
  
One by one, the mimes climb out of the pit, picking scorpions from their leotards.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Okay, everyone who wants to get back at Darth Vetinari--  
  
[all the mimes immediately put their hands up]  
  
Right. Just... go out and do... whatever. Have fun.  
  
The mimes grin and salute him, then gleefully dash out of the dungeon.  
  
LADY SYBIL  
  
You know, I almost feel sorry for the Empire right now... what with them having to contend with a great Jedi like yourself.  
  
Rincewind offers her a wan smile in reply as they head out after the mimes; he is not about to argue with her about his Jedi status.  
  
*****  
  
End Part 7. 


	8. Mainly About Carrot

Disclaimer: See Part1  
  
*****  
  
EXT - LANCRE - EARLY MORNING  
  
Carrot sleeps peacefully, wrapped in a bedroll with his folded clothing as a pillow, in the sheltered patch under his resurrected ship. The rain has all but stopped now, with only a defiant drizzle to remind visitors that this is a swamp, not a luxury resort. Threepio sits dormant nearby, a power cord stretching from a panel in his back to a small generator. An LCD display in each lens of his spectacles indicates that he is "RECHARGING".  
  
Presently an indistinct figure walks past between them and the camera.  
  
It approaches Carrot stealthily, making surprisingly little noise on the soggy ground. It pauses, studying him for a moment, then raises a gnarled stick and brings it down hard at the bedroll.  
  
It gets no further than halfway before Carrot, reaching out with the speed of a snake, seizes it in midair. His eyes snap open an instant later, and he looks up at his attacker.  
  
The figure pushes back its hood to reveal Granny Weatherwax, sans hat, wielding the stick.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
  
Good. Good. Had it been a real attacker, that would have saved your life. Although... had it been a sword or a lightsaber you'd have lost your thumb. [waves a dismissive hand] No matter. You'll learn. Come on and get dressed. You'll be wanting breakfast.  
  
She releases her end of the branch and walks back to her cottage, leaving a confused Carrot looking at his hand and wondering how he did that. After a beat he sets aside the stick, nudges Threepio back into active mode, and sets about separating out and pulling on his clothes while the protocol droid unplugs himself from the generator.  
  
INT - GRANNY WEATHERWAX'S COTTAGE  
  
Carrot, fully dressed but still ungroomed - aside from a splash of water on his face and hands - and looking a bit sleepy, enters the cottage, attended by Threepio.  
  
CARROT  
  
What was that all about?  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
  
The wakeup call? I was testing a theory.  
  
She guides him to the table and puts a bowl of hot porridge into his hands. Numbly, he sits. As he begins eating the porridge:  
  
CARROT  
  
A theory?  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
  
You remind me of some people who came through Lancre, years ago. Looks, mainly... and that.  
  
She points to the lightsaber on his belt. Carrot's hand reflexively reaches over and touches it.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX [contd.]  
  
A man and a woman - husband and wife, I think they were - and a few men-at-arms.  
  
Carrot, riveted by the story, eats his porridge with the same air of someone eating popcorn at a scary movie.  
  
CARROT  
  
Sounds like they were some really important people.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
  
They was being chased. Don't rightly know why, even now... but the man had a lightsaber just like yours. Might as well have been its twin.  
  
[she pauses to look closely at Carrot]  
  
I think he was a Jedi. And, by the same token, I think you've got Jedi in your blood.  
  
CARROT  
  
That can't be right... neither of my parents are Jedi. They're just simple dwarves - they have a mine in the Ramtops.  
  
Granny looks at him for a very long moment.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
  
You're pretty tall for a dwarf, aintcha? Never seen two dwarves produce a young man like you.  
  
CARROT  
  
Of course not. They make babies.  
  
Granny looks at him for another very long moment.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
  
Let me spell it out to you in small words. You're human. You were adopted by dwarves. You with me so far?  
  
Carrot blinks.  
  
CARROT  
  
I think so.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Excuse me, madam...  
  
Both Carrot and Granny look at Threepio.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO [contd.]  
  
Is this the part where you tell him that Princess Angua is his sister?  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
  
No.  
  
[Threepio and Carrot relax]  
  
That'd be Rincewind's job.  
  
[they tense up again]  
  
... if it were true.  
  
[they remain tense]  
  
... which it ain't.  
  
Threepio and Carrot relax once more.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
  
Well. Enough questions for now. [to Carrot] Finish your breakfast so we can start your training.  
  
Carrot, who had paused in eating, now resumes.  
  
CARROT  
  
[between mouthfuls] What will the first exercise be?  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
  
Well, there's some firewood out back that wants chopping.  
  
Threepio frowns at Granny.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
  
[ignoring Threepio] This exercise will help build your str...  
  
[she stops, glancing at Carrot's already quite muscular build]  
  
... your discipline. It will help to teach you the discipline necessary to be a Jedi.  
  
CARROT  
  
[not noticing the stumble] Like the chores my dad gave me for building character?  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
  
[seizing the opening] Exactly. Jedi need lots of character.  
  
Carrot finishes the last of his porridge and wipes his mouth on a napkin.  
  
CARROT  
  
I'll get right to it.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
  
I'll be out in a bit for your next training exercise.  
  
He heads out. As the sounds of chopping wood begin:  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
[ironically] Nice recovery.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
  
[matter-of-fact] Thank you.  
  
*****  
  
End Part 8. 


	9. FourEcks Arrival, and a Confrontation

Disclaimer: See Part 1  
  
*****  
  
EST - FOURECKS  
  
The Millennium Falcon cruises low over the Ecksian outback, as desolate and arid a piece of real estate as any god with a sadistic sense of humour ever conceived. The vessel startles a herd of kangaroo [kangaroos?], which bound away in a fan formation ahead of the Falcon.  
  
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON  
  
Nobby and Colon have joined Vimes, Chewbacca, and Ridcully in the cockpit. The Rebels regard the FourEcks landscape in silence, until:  
  
NOBBY Blimey... how d'ye tell where you are from where you've been?  
  
RIDCULLY First you have to learn where all the water holes are.  
  
COLON I haven't seen a single water hole for over an hour.  
  
RIDCULLY Exactly! Now, you see that cluster of buildings up ahead?  
  
There is an observant beat as the Rebels look.  
  
VIMES/ NOBBY/ COLON [unison] No.  
  
RIDCULLY [apparently not paying attention] That's Bugarup, where a buddy of mine lives. We can cool our heels there for a bit and get nice and pissed.  
  
He snatches up the radio mike.  
  
RIDCULLY [into radio] This is the Millennium Falcon requesting permission to land in Bugarup.  
  
VOICE [through radio] We don't want any!  
  
RIDCULLY [into mike] Hey there, Casanunda!  
  
VOICE (CASANUNDA) [thru radio] Ridcully?  
  
RIDCULLY [into mike] I see that dwarvish memory of your is still working just fine. Listen, I need a place to crash for a bit - me and a few blokes who hitched a ride.  
  
VIMES We didn't hi--!  
  
Ridcully puts up his hand to silence him.  
  
RIDCULLY [into mike] So whaddaya say?  
  
CASANUNDA [thru radio] Of course! Your guests are my guests - and perhaps I will be able to win back my ship.  
  
Ridcully grins  
  
RIDCULLY [into mike] We'll see about that, shortarse.  
  
He closes the channel.  
  
VIMES I assume you know this Casanunda person pretty well?  
  
RIDCULLY Oh yeah... we go way back.  
  
VIMES He's trustworthy, then?  
  
RIDCULLY [jovially] Hell no. He's a regular scoundrel, gambler, and womanizer. [beat] I bet you're glad the Princess isn't here.  
  
VIMES [wearily] You have no idea.  
  
RIDCULLY But, he has the largest private collection of Damn Fine beer in FourEcks.  
  
VIMES Is that anything like a cup of damn fine coffee?  
  
RIDCULLY Better. Trust me - Casanunda knows his alcohol.  
  
EXT - BUGARUP - CASANUNDA'S "PALACE"  
  
The Millennium Falcon comes in for a landing in front of a masterpiece of corrugated steel and local architecture - with a touch of the sort of Creosotean bad taste that comes from being rich and wanton - on a patch of tarmac only slightly less arid than the Ecksian soil around it.  
  
As the boarding ramp whirrs down, a figure exits the Palace to greet the ship, toting something on his back.  
  
Ridcully and Chewie disembark from the Falcon first, followed by Vimes, who stops short when he sees...  
  
CASANUNDA, who rather resembles an 18th century gentleman, compressed into someone three feet tall - a distilled fop, in other words - from the crest of his powdered wig to the silver spurs on his high-heeled boots. He is even clean-shaven, a transgression which amongst the dwarf community would result in him being shot repeatedly to put him out of everyone else's misery. Presently he puts down the small stepladder he'd been carrying and shoots Ridcully an appraising glance, which then flickers over to take in the slightly battered Falcon. He winces.  
  
CASANUNDA Poor Millie... has the bad man been doing you wrong?  
  
VIMES [aside to Ridcully] Who's Millie?  
  
Ridcully jerks his head back towards the Falcon, his expression indicating that it isn't his nickname for the ship.  
  
CASANUNDA [to Ridcully] Well, I suppose that even after what you did to my ship, you can stay here for a bit--  
  
RIDCULLY Hold on - *your* ship? You forget - I won the Falcon off you fair and square. Don't tell me that after thirty years you finally want a rematch?  
  
CASANUNDA Ah, and *you* forget, dwarves do not take loss of property lightly.  
  
VIMES That's a dwarf?  
  
RIDCULLY ... Technically. Vimes, this is Giacomo Casanunda, a... rare breed. Casanunda, Captain Samuel Vimes.  
  
CASANUNDA [to Vimes] My card.  
  
He produces a business card from somewhere up his lacy sleeve and presents it to Vimes. Vimes takes it and looks at it.  
  
VIMES [reading] "Giacomo Casanunda, traveling rogue and professional buckler of swashes. Master swordsman. World's second-greatest lover. Outrageous liar." [looks at Casanunda] Second-greatest lover?  
  
CASANUNDA We try harder. Hence my marital aid.  
  
He pats the stepladder affectionately.  
  
VIMES Marital...?  
  
He gets a mental picture he didn't need.  
  
RIDCULLY [to Casanunda, cutting in deftly] Vimes is one of a few blokes I picked up just before getting chased and shot at--  
  
CASANUNDA Again?  
  
RIDCULLY Again. So, as you may well expect, we'll be needing repairs and a place to crash for the night.  
  
CASANUNDA As I said... your guests are my guests. Now... [grins at Vimes] I am given to understand that a beautiful princess is among your number? VIMES [suspicious] Where'd you hear that? [Casanunda holds up a copy of the Script.] Oh, that. She couldn't make it.  
  
CASANUNDA Aww. Maybe another time, then... when the stars are in more perfect alignment.  
  
Ridcully gives Vimes a pained look of resignation.  
  
CASANUNDA [contd.] Although... [leafs through the script] I fear that any such encounter would ruin any chances this man Carrot would have with her.  
  
Vimes starts coughing. Ridcully talks over him:  
  
RIDCULLY I trust you can arrange for repairs to the Falcon?  
  
CASANUNDA Of course. You just leave her in my hands and I'll take care of everything. [to the Rebels, who are just disembarking] Come. You must be half-starved after having to eat Ridcully's cooking.  
  
RIDCULLY Hey now... My cooking isn't that bad.  
  
VIMES That's true enough. You only put Wow-wow sauce on everything.  
  
Ridcully gives him a dirty look. As the group of Rebels head into the Palace...  
  
VIMES I wonder if the Princess made it to Uberwald okay. [beat. Vimes stops walking] [to camera] I said, I wonder if--  
  
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.] Hang on a sec... I think we almost got it. Say your line again, so we can test it.  
  
Vimes sighs.  
  
VIMES "I wonder if the Princess made it to Uberwald okay." [subtitle: The velveteen cheese is very vernacular today.] We hear adjustments being made offscreen.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.] Try again.  
  
VIMES Sir... [sighs in annoyance] "I wonder if the Princess made it to Uberwald okay." [subtitle: Meesa wonderin if dissa big bombad Princess gotsa to Uberwald okeyday.]  
  
There is the sound of the production crew recoiling in horror as the subtitle hovers onscreen.  
  
VIMES Try kicking it, sir.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.] You really think that'll help?  
  
VIMES It couldn't make it any worse.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.] [will try anything once] Okay...  
  
There is the sound of someone kicking the subtitle generator. The letters of the subtitle are jarred violently by the impact, and when they stop shaking:  
  
subtitle: I wonder if the Princess made it to Uberwald okay.  
  
Vimes nods.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.] Thanks.  
  
Vimes salutes Lucas and heads into the Palace. Although there is not a cloud in the Ecksian sky, we hear THUNDER as we CUT TO...  
  
EXT - UBERWALD ... and are immediately blinded by a flash of lightning, which bathes the Uberwaldian landscape in stark monochrome. Somewhere, Artoo whistles uneasily.  
  
ARTOO [o.s.] [subtitle: Mesa gotsa--] [kick] [subtitle: I've got a bad feeling about this.]  
  
"PRINCESS" [o.s.] It's okay, Artoo... you've been here before.  
  
PAN DOWN to Artoo and "Princess" as they make their way through the classic horror movie setting known as Uberwald. They are currently in a Tim Burton-like forest in which all the trees appear to have been tortured to death. The wind wails, and the thunder rumbles ominously as the rain hammers down on both of them. It appears to be the perfect day for a handful of unsuspecting tourists to swerve to avoid a deer, run their car off the road, and head up to that conveniently placed spooky castle over there - Castle Uberwald - to look for a phone.  
  
As the travelers pause to look up at Castle Uberwald, another spatter of lightning arcs down from the clouds, exploding on the tip of a lightning rod with enough force to animate several Frankenstein monsters.  
  
"PRINCESS" Well... we're home. I'd better get changed. Do you mind...?  
  
Artoo turns his back to her, and from a panel in the astromech's dome a privacy screen unfurls, shielding "Princess" from the prying eye of the camera. The silhouette of the wolfhound shifts smoothly to the silhouette of a nude woman.  
  
EXT - LANCRE  
  
CU of Carrot's face, his eyes closed, his arms raised over his head for some reason.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX [o.s.] Concentrate... let the Force flow through you...  
  
CAMERA rotates and pulls back so we see that Carrot is in fact upside-down, performing a handstand. Granny, for obvious reasons, is not agile enough to perch on Carrot's feet like Yoda might, so she doesn't - instead she sits on a tree stump nearby and observes.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX [contd.] The Force exists in all matter... all places... all times. It is a river, flowing around every particle of existence. A Jedi may coax this river in certain directions, use his mind as others cannot - but a true Jedi must maintain a balance.  
  
Carrot slowly lifts one hand so he balances on the other. His outstretched hand points towards a smooth stone, which begins to tremble, then slowly, uncertainly, levitate. Granny watches the stone and nods.  
  
Carrot's eyes open, to reveal a thousand-yard gaze - whatever he sees is not in the swamp.  
  
INT - CASTLE UBERWALD - FOYER  
  
The heavy front door of the castle creaks open rather more loudly than it really needs to, revealing Princess Angua [in her white bodysuit] and Artoo.  
  
Angua looks around warily, but not for the ghosts and goblins most would expect in a place like this.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA Igor?  
  
IGOR [note: Igor speaks with a pronounced lisp] Yeth, Your Majethty? [See?]  
  
Angua jumps and whirls around to face the deformed hunchback who has appeared unobtrusively behind her. In addition to being the standard hunchbacked assistant, he appears to be a master of surgical retrofitting techniques - his most prominent feature is the steel hemisphere replacing the top half of his skull, riveted in place. He is clad in the finest rags - after all, he is a servant to royalty.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA [relieved] You startled me.  
  
IGOR Tho thorry, Your Majethty. Forthe of habit.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA It's good to see a familiar face, all the same. I heard something happened here?  
  
IGOR Yeth, Your Majethty. It wath awful.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA Is my family safe?  
  
IGOR Ath thafe ath I could make them. I put them in the laboratory ath thoon ath the thit hit the fan. Pardon my Katthian.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA Are they alive? Igor nods.  
  
IGOR I fixthed them up ath betht I could... but thith plathe ithn't thafe. *It* might thtill be here.  
  
PRINCESS AGUA "It"? What sort of an "it" are you talking about?  
  
METALLIC VOICE [o.s.] Me.  
  
Angua and Artoo turn to see...  
  
ANGUA'S DOUBLE [hereafter known as Evil Angua] standing in the archway. She is clad in a white gown and gray travelling cloak, as she was in Episode 4, but her clothing is torn and stained now, and any hairstyle she had when she arrived has now gone completely to hell. She is to Angua what Chucky is to a normal Good Guy doll.  
  
EVIL ANGUA So good of you to join our little party. I was beginning to think you hadn't gotten your invitation.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA [not taking her eyes off Evil Angua] Igor... take Artoo with you. Guard my family.  
  
IGOR But--  
  
Angua whirls, her eyes luminous yellow, and there is an undertone of a snarl as she shouts...  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA GO!  
  
EXT - LANCRE  
  
Carrot flinches in his meditation, as though the word had struck him physically. He wobbles in the handstand, and the floating stone falters. Granny leans forward and catches the stone in midair.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX Do not allow your visions to disturb you. You are not yet experienced enough to tell premonitions from hallucinations. CARROT But--  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX Focus!  
  
INT - CASTLE UBERWALD  
  
Angua faces off against her double. They are now the only ones in the foyer.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA Who the hell are you?  
  
EVIL ANGUA Don't you recognise me? I'm you - or I will be. And of course with your parents dead...  
  
Angua bristles.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA You'll have to come through me.  
  
EVIL ANGUA If you insist.  
  
Evil Angua's hands, currently relaxed and at her sides [and not visible to Angua], suddenly sprout silver claws from under the nails.  
  
EXT - LANCRE  
  
CARROT Angua! Look out!  
  
INT - CASTLE UBERWALD  
  
Angua flinches back as Evil Angua attacks, slashing at Angua's face with the claws and barely missing by a hairsbreadth. Angua grabs her double's wrist as it completes the arc, and twists the arm attached to it.  
  
To Angua's alarm, Evil Angua merely smiles, showing no pain at all.  
  
Evil Angua grabs the hand holding her wrist, the claws digging into Angua's flesh as she peels Angua's hand away. There is an alarming hissing noise as the claws appear to burn Angua, and she lets out a cry of pain.  
  
Angua's own nails lengthen into claws, and she rakes at Evil Angua's face, trying to blind her or distract her into letting go.  
  
Angua yelps again in pain and surprise and leaps back as Evil Angua's hands fly up to her wounded face. The Princess looks at her fingers and finds them burned as well. In disbelief she looks back at the double...  
  
... who lowers her hands to reveal part of her face [right side, eyebrow to just above jawline] torn away, revealing a Terminator-like endoskeleton beneath - the mechanical eye now revealed glows red as she focuses on Angua. The remainder of Evil Angua's face twists into a cold smile, which looks really damn strange.  
  
EVIL ANGUA [note: As Evil Angua speaks, we can see the endoskeleton's jaw move - it's the little things that add to something like this] You didn't really think Darth Vetinari would send a *human* to take care of this, did you? Tch, tch, tch... And you wondered how I was able to do any damage to your family.  
  
Angua backs away from her adversary.  
  
EVIL ANGUA [contd.] I mean, you couldn't very well expect to be able to get a silver weapon in here unnoticed... unless that weapon was in the shape of your target's beloved daughter.  
  
Angua realizes that she is underequipped for this particular foe, and races up the stairs. Evil Angua sighs.  
  
EVIL ANGUA [aside] Never fails. Villain downstairs, door right nearby, so what does the female lead do? She runs upstairs. It almost isn't worth it to kill her.  
  
Evil Angua stalks up the stairs.  
  
EXT - LANCRE  
  
Carrot's concentration breaks, and with it departs his balance in the handstand. He puts down his hand, trying to regain his equilibrium, but falls over heavily.  
  
Granny stands up, shaking her head slightly.  
  
CARROT'S POV as Granny looks at him upside-down.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX You let your emotions get in the way.  
  
CARROT But... I saw...  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX You had a vision. Jedi do that, from time to time.  
  
Carrot sits up and rolls to his feet. Granny puts a gentle hand on his shoulder.  
  
CARROT Angua's in trouble. I know that much. But... some bits didn't make sense. She had claws. And when the droid hit... it burned her.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX Visions are like dreams. Not everything is as it seems. What you describe might not even be happening.  
  
CARROT But if it is, I have to go help her.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX Your training isn't finished. If you leave now, you could undo everything I've taught you. Think before you act, Carrot.  
  
CARROT Granny, you know this training is important to me. But... so is Angua. You have to understand--  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX [sharply] Don't rationalise at me.  
  
CARROT Sorry.  
  
There is a slightly awkward pause. Carrot appears torn between his duties here and his love for Angua.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX Go. Run off and be heroic. Just remember to think with your mind, not your emotions.  
  
CARROT I'll come back as soon as I can, so I can finish my training. Granny watches as he jogs away towards his ship. Threepio approaches her.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO Mistress Weatherwax?  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX [turns] What is it?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO What he said about the claws and the burns...?  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX What of it?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO Do you think that bit of his vision was real?  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX We can only hope it wasn't.  
  
*****  
  
End Part 9. 


	10. Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Author's Note: Sorry this has taken so long... been busy on Eskarina costume for Archon this October [Yes, I will send pix when it's done ;-)] Anyway, on with the show...  
  
Disclaimer: See Part 1  
  
*****  
  
INT - CASANUNDA'S PALACE  
  
Casanunda has dispensed of the stepladder by now, seeing that he will have no use for it as far as his current guests are concerned. The Rebels, meanwhile, have gotten a chance to get cleaned up and into fresh clothing. Nobby has managed to outdo Casanunda in terms of foppish bad taste in fashion, and in a lot more colours than should legally be allowed in one outfit - although instead of a powdered wig he wears an enormously broad-brimmed hat with a massive ostrich plume wafting out of the hatband. Other than him, everyone looks fairly well-groomed and haute couture.  
  
RIDCULLY  
I hope those dwarves of yours know what they're doing. The Falcon is an antique.  
  
CASANUNDA  
Oh, not to worry, my dear boy. Most of those dwarves were around when that model of starship was first introduced. They'll be done with your ship before you can *spell* "Millennium Falcon." [gestures around at the decor] As you can see, I've borrowed elements from all over the Disc to decorate my little corner of paradise here in FourEcks.  
  
Vimes pauses to return the gaze of a fierce-looking Tezumen artifact.  
  
CASANUNDA [contd.]  
Thus, any travelers who stumble across my doorstep can usually find a little piece of home somewhere about - the upper crust as well as the crumbs.  
  
Several Rebels looks significantly at Nobby.  
  
NOBBY  
[genuinely confused] What?  
  
CASANUNDA  
... for example, before you arrived I was entertaining a very charming nobleman and his entourage. He was positively delighted at all the wonders of the Palace, and paid me handsomely for my trouble.  
  
VIMES  
... and that, I expect, is where you get your wealth?  
  
Casanunda waves a dismissive hand.  
  
CASANUNDA  
I have no need for trifling sums...  
  
They reach the door to the dining hall, which Casanunda flings open.  
  
The dining hall is currently filled with Storm Troopers, with Darth Vetinari at the head of the table! The Rebels react with exclamations of disbelief and dismay. Chewbacca howls with rage.  
  
VIMES  
What--?!  
  
Vetinari stands triumphantly.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Boo.  
  
Ridcully draws his blaster, but it flies from his grasp and into Vetinari's outstretched hand. Ridcully turns to Casanunda, a look of betrayal on his face as the Rebels are seized by the Storm Troopers.  
  
CASANUNDA  
... but then, this was no trifling sum. I'm sorry, Ridcully, they got here before you did. There was nothing I could do.  
  
Vetinari steeples his fingers at the Rebels in a particularly menacing fashion.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Don't feel too badly, Mr. Ridcully... As you know, a dwarf such as Casanunda - unconventional though his ways otherwise are - do not count an acquaintanceship as friendship until it has lasted fifty years.  
  
CASANUNDA   
[to Vetinari] In light of that, I would like my payment now.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
You certainly do get to the point, don't you? [to the Rebels at large] Dwarves are always so cautious about financial matters. [to Casanunda] You will get your payment in due time, Casanunda. And, in light of my additional promise not to hurt your dear guests, allow me to introduce an associate of mine.  
  
He offers his hand to a woman seated to his left, who stands under her own power, scorning the offered hand so fiercely that when her face draws level to it he withdraws it a trifle quicker than ordinary etiquette would dictate.  
  
She is tall and muscular, her skin bronzed by the sun, and her hair dusky auburn and accented with a scattering of braids. She is clad mainly - though by no means extensively - in furs and leathers, leaving her shapely legs and toned midriff bare, around her neck is a necklace made of the fangs of some would-be predator, and at her hips she wears a pair of long daggers.  
  
DARTH VETINARI [contd.]  
Allow me to introduce Herrenna, known to many as the Henna-Haired Harridan. [beat] She will be hurting you in my place.  
  
Casanunda shoots a shocked look in Vetinari's direction, one which melts into a low, simmering anger as only a dwarf can feel.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
[to the troopers] Kindly relieve them of all their weapons and lock them up.  
  
Our intrepid heroes are dragged away.  
  
HERRENNA  
[to Vetinari] I like your style.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Do what you will, but keep them alive.  
  
HERRENNA  
You'd be amazed at what the human body can survive.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
[coldly] I mean it. I'm expecting another guest soon, but he can't very well come to rescue his friends if they aren't alive to rescue, can he?  
  
Herrenna pouts.  
  
HERRENNA  
You take all the fun out of being chaotic neutral, you know that?  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Try lawful evil sometime. It's so much more satisfying.  
  
HERRENNA  
Besides, they're worth so much more alive than dead - especially the old man.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Is that so.  
  
HERRENNA  
He and I have a date with an old friend of his, later.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
I see. Well, under the circumstances, the least I can do you is to gift-wrap him for you. Just remember that he and his friends are mine until I'm done with them.  
  
HERRENNA  
[patronising] Of course they are... who am I to argue with someone comfortable enough with his manhood to wear perfume?  
  
Abruptly, he blurs, seizing Herrenna by the throat and slamming her against the wall just as she makes a grab for one of her daggers. Their faces are inches apart, his slightly homicidal snarl and her startled but recovering grimace.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Let me make myself absolutely clear, Ms. Harridan. I will not be mocked.  
  
HERRENNA  
Don't you threaten me.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
I don't threaten.  
  
HERRENNA  
Neither do I.  
  
There is a light tapping below frame. Vetinari, sensing something amiss, glances down.  
  
The point of Herrenna's dagger is tapping lightly at the edge of Vetinari's armoured codpiece. There are already a few nicks in the codpiece, testament to how sharp the weapon is and what it could potentially do to his chances of reproduction.  
  
He looks back up at her for a long moment, then abruptly releases her. She rubs her throat as Vetinari clears his.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
[gathering his dignity] Now that we have that settled.  
  
HERRENNA  
Indeed.  
  
INT - CASTLE UBERWALD  
  
Evil Angua is climbing the stairs to the upper levels of the castle in search of Angua. The red glow of her exposed cybernetic eye is frequently the only bit of her visible as she passes through the abundant shadows in the stairwell.  
  
EVIL ANGUA  
I know you're up here, Princess. Come out, come out, wherever you are...  
  
She dodges back to avoid a thrown trident from one of the archways; the weapon sticks, quivering, into the stone wall opposite the arch. Evil Angua looks through the archway, focusing in on...  
  
ANGUA  
as she darts away into a side passage.  
  
Evil Angua grins and gives chase. As she rounds the corner--  
  
WHAM!  
  
Angua punches the assassin droid in the face, her fist shielded by an iron gauntlet. Evil Angua takes the hit, then retaliates with a flurry of punches. Angua falls back into a defensive stance.  
  
They face off, the real Princess versus the robotic double.  
  
MORTAL KOMBAT VOICE  
Round one. Fight!  
  
They leap at each other.  
  
INT - CARROT'S SHIP  
  
Carrot awakens with a jolt from the nap he'd been taking, on one of the fold-down bunks in the back of the ship. He looks around, still in a bit of a panic from whatever dream had awakened him, until he reorients himself.  
  
CARROT  
Threepio?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO [o.s.]  
Sir?  
  
CARROT  
Where are we?  
  
He gets up and joins Threepio in the cockpit. The autopilot is on, so the droid's only function right now is to monitor their bearings.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Did you have a nice rest?  
  
CARROT  
No. [peering through the windscreen] Where are we?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
We've just entered Uberwald's airspace. It's only a few minutes before we get to the castle. See, here's Artoo's homing signal. [grudging] Clever little droid.  
  
CARROT  
Is it always this stormy here?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Of course not, sir. Sometimes it's hazy, or simply gloomy. In fact, the forecast for tomorrow is mostly eerie in the morning, with a 30% chance for suspenseful in the afternoon, changing to scattered creepiness tonight.  
  
There is a long pause. Then:  
  
CARROT  
Foggy?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Foggy. [beat] We should be able to land safely, all the same. The von Uberwalds have a proper landing pad installed. [beat] It's nine storeys up, but all the same...  
  
CARROT  
I just hope Angua is okay.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
I'm sure she's fine, sir. She can take care of herself.  
  
*****  
  
End Part 10. 


	11. The Skin of Their Teeth

Disclaimer: See Part 1.  
  
*****  
  
INT - CASTLE UBERWALD  
  
Angua and Evil Angua are locked in combat, exchanging blows almost too fast for the eye to follow. The style appears to be a combination of several styles, including Kung Fu and Jujitsu.   
  
Angua's hands, we may notice, are still protected by the iron gauntlets, but it seems that whomever programmed Evil Angua put a lot of research into it; though the combat wavers back and forth in the favor of one or the other, they are evenly matched. [I wonder what else Angua learned in Princess School...]  
  
However, Angua is beginning to tire, and she falls back a step, then another, to avoid the relentless rain of blows from the tireless droid. Already her clothing is torn [tastefully - this is still only PG-13!] and she has a few angry-looking cuts on her exposed skin.  
  
Angua spots an opening in the droid's defense and seizes it, filling it with a feint with one gauntleted fist towards the droid's head. Evil Angua grabs it easily - leaving herself unguarded for the left hook to the exposed machinery of her face. The cybereye sparks as the armoured fist connects with it, and the droid staggers, some of her servos whirring audibly.  
  
Angua runs, heading upstairs.  
  
Evil Angua straightens up, her footing slightly less certain than it was before. The red glow in her cybereye blinks erratically as she heads back towards the stairwell.  
  
EXT - CASTLE UBERWALD  
  
In the midst of the still-raging storm, the small vessel slowly eases towards the landing platform jutting out from the castle. Artoo is already there, a small satellite dish oscillating at the top of his dome. After a few bumps and bounces [though by no means as bad as it was in Lancre], the ship finally lands and powers down. As the gull-wing door opens, Igor shambles out of the nearby gothic archway, apparently immune to the driving rain but understandably apprehensive of the lightning.  
  
Carrot stops short as he sees the deformed servant, unsure how to proceed.  
  
CARROT  
Threepio?  
  
Threepio pokes his head out of the ship and sees Igor  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Oh. Good evening, Igor.  
  
IGOR  
[anxious] Good evening, Threepio thir... the Printheth ith in trouble--  
  
CARROT  
[urgent] Where is she?  
  
IGOR  
Thee's inthide...  
[Carrot leaps from the ship and barrels past Igor into the castle]  
... fighting with thomething really bad.  
[beat]  
[to Threepio] Doeth he know?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
I don't think so, not yet. I doubt she's told him, anyway. Where are her parents? We have to get them to safety.  
  
IGOR  
They're in the lab. They were hurt bad.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Show me.  
  
IGOR  
Walk thith way.  
  
He shambles away through the archway. Threepio hesitates, then:  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[aside] No. That joke's been done to death.  
  
He walks normally after Igor.  
  
CARROT  
races desperately through the eternally spooky and cobwebbed corridors of the castle.  
  
CARROT  
[shouting] Angua?! [sotto] Please be okay... please be okay... [shouting] ANGUA!  
  
ANGUA  
is pounding her way up a darkened spiral staircase, her breath ragged with fatigue. Her silver- inflicted cuts are bleeding badly, and it seems that she's staying on her feet by force of will alone.  
  
CARROT [o.s.]  
[distant] Anguaaa!  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
[sotto] Carrot...  
  
She looks like a shipwreck victim who is out of food but has just spotted land in the distance.  
  
THE LABORATORY  
Igor and Threepio respectively shamble and walk over to a series of tables, two of which bear large wolfhounds, of a similar sort to "Princess." Any one of them would be taller than Carrot on its hind legs. The dogs are unconscious or sedated, with a number of bandaged wounds each, and their breathing is laboured.  
  
Threepio approaches one of them, and it opens its eyes groggily and whines.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Not to worry, Your Highness... we're going to get you to safety.  
[the dog growls]  
I don't know where she is just yet. A friend has gone to look for her. Just try to relax. [to Igor] I trust it's safe to move them?  
  
Igor, deceptively strong, already has the other dog over his domed shoulders.  
  
IGOR  
No broken ribth. I thplinted any other breakth. Mostht of it ith thilver damage. Jutht be careful.  
  
Threepio gently takes the other dog in his arms, cradling its head on his metallic shoulder, and he and Igor take their precious burdens back out of the lab.  
  
ANGUA  
reaches a landing and pauses for breath.  
  
EVIL ANGUA [o.s.]  
Come out, come out, wherever you are...  
  
Angua looks back down the stairs, and sees...  
  
EVIL ANGUA  
standing two bends down, brandishing the steel trident. The glow from her cyber-eye is still erratic, and flickers weakly.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
[breathless] No...  
  
She continues desperately up the stairs, towards the laboratory.  
  
Evil Angua follows predatorily.  
  
CARROT,  
still searching for Angua, hurries down a corridor just in time to intercept Angua as she staggers out of the dark archway and practically falls into his arms. She fights his grasp briefly, then...  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Carrot!  
  
They embrace for a few beats, until:  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
We have to get out of here... she's right behind me... my parents...  
  
CARROT  
I expect Threepio is taking care of them.  
  
Angua realises the significance of this deceptively innocent statement.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Carrot... there's something you need to know about me...  
  
CARROT  
Whatever it is, it doesn't matter.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Carrot... listen to me... My parents and I... we're--  
  
Carrot looks up sharply, sensing danger. He shoves the Princess behind him just as she looks back.  
  
CARROT'S POV  
as he peers into the darkness, penetrating the shadows to reveal...  
  
EVIL ANGUA,  
her damaged face obscured by the shadows but the red glow of her eye visible.  
  
CARROT  
What the...?  
  
EVIL ANGUA  
[mocking] What's wrong? Don't you recognise your Princess?  
  
She steps forward, and now he sees the silver endoskeleton of her damaged face.   
  
Carrot is rooted to the spot in shock.  
  
CARROT  
[sotto] The Empire's weapon of mass destruction...  
  
Evil Angua throws the trident at Carrot.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
NO!!  
  
Angua dodges under Carrot's restraining arm and throws herself in the path of the trident. The three prongs plunge into her chest, midriff, and abdomen.  
  
Carrot catches her as she falls, unable to believe what has just happened. His spirit crumbles at the sight of the apparently mortally wounded Princess.  
  
But only temporarily.  
  
His face contorts with anger and grief as he stares at the robotic counterfeit of Angua. He thrusts out his hand, towards Evil Angua, a wave of sheer will careens out from him, and the stair bearing her turns to powder under her feet. She falls, shrieking, into thin air.  
  
Carrot looks down at Angua, who is still clinging to life despite her injuries. She reaches up with one hand and touches his face. He covers her hand with his. Her lips move silently, mouthing the word "werewolves."  
  
Carrot ignites his lightsaber long enough to shear off the haft of the trident sticking out of her torso as close as he dares, then re-belts his saber, picks up the Princess, and starts running back the way he came.  
  
INT - CARROT'S VESSEL  
  
Threepio and Igor finish making the dogs comfortable on two [out of a total of six] flip-down bunks in the back of the ship. Artoo waits anxiously at the open door.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
I hope Carrot finds Her Majesty and gets back soon.  
  
IGOR  
I heard thcreaming inthide.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
You're not helping my nerves any.  
  
IGOR  
You don't have nerveth. You're a droid.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[sharply] *Metaphorical* nerves, all right?! I'm programmed to protect the Princess and I don't even know where the devil she is!  
  
Artoo starts beeping excitedly. Threepio and Igor look over at him.  
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle] There!  
  
EXT - CASTLE UBERWALD  
  
Carrot staggers under the pounding rain and his own grief as he approaches the ship, bearing Princess Angua in his arms. Threepio comes out to meet him and help him into the ship.  
  
INT - CARROT'S SHIP  
  
Both Carrot and the wounded Princess are soaked to the bone as Carrot kicks one of the unused bunks to flip it down. He carefully lays the Princess on it, careful not to jar the metal prongs still in her, then sinks heavily to the floor next to it, emotionally drained, as Threepio bends over the Princess.  
  
THREEPIO'S POV  
as he scans the Princess, showing her internal anatomy and where the prongs are: The lower two have missed vital organs, but the one in her chest is perilously close to her heart [which by the way is still beating].  
  
The protocol droid looks over at Carrot [who doesn't notice], debating how to break the news to Carrot. Finally he settles on...  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
She's alive. It'll take some doing to get these steel prongs out, though. Go with Artoo to the cockpit and get us out of here. [beat] I doubt you'll want to see this.  
  
Carrot looks up at Threepio, who only nods encouragingly, and finally he [Carrot] stands and follows Artoo to the cockpit, leaving Igor and Threepio with their patients. After a few beats, Threepio turns to the camera.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[to camera] You might want to go do something else, too. This isn't a Tom Savini movie.  
  
*****  
  
End Part 11. 


	12. The Carbonite Bird

Disclaimer: See Part 1.  
  
*****  
  
INT - CASANUNDA'S PALACE  
  
A junction between two corridors dominates the shot. Presently, a mime stealthily approaches the corner, crouches, and peers around the corner. Another mime stealthily approaches the corner, hops up lightly to crouch on the shoulders of the first mime, and peers around the corner. A third mime stealthily approaches the corner, hops up lightly to crouch on the shoulders of the second mime, and peers around the corner. A fourth mime stealthily approaches the corner, climbs up lightly to crouch on the shoulders of the third mime, and peers around the corner.  
  
From this vantage point, a prison cell is clearly visible. There is activity within.  
  
GUARD #1  
Right... lessee what this little twit has on him.  
  
GUARD #2  
I think we can pretty much rule out any sense of fashion.  
  
NOBBY  
Hey now...  
  
GUARD #1  
Shut up and hold still.  
  
NOBBY  
[grumbles]  
  
GUARD #1  
Okay... one Burleigh and Stronginthearm heavy crossbow.  
  
NOBBY  
That was a Hogswatch present.  
  
GUARD #2  
One blaster.  
  
NOBBY  
I have a permit for that.  
  
GUARD #1  
One bazooka.  
  
NOBBY  
Er...  
  
GUARD #2  
Blowpipe.  
  
NOBBY  
Souvenir.  
  
GUARD #1  
Thermonuclear warhead.  
  
NOBBY  
So *that's* where I left that!  
  
GUARD #2  
Sword... [low whistle] Hackmaster +18.  
  
NOBBY  
Looted that fair and square.  
  
GUARD #1  
One BFG 9000.  
  
NOBBY  
I do a bit of hunting on the side.  
  
GUARD #2  
Compact disc. [reading] "William Shatner Sings Metallica's Greatest Hits."  
  
There is a very long, scared pause, the sort that occurs when one locks a heavy blast door against a ferocious, indestructible, and all-around unpleasant monster... only to discover that one has in fact locked the aforementioned monster in with one and that it is now breathing on the back of one's head.  
  
GUARD #1  
Well, I think that's it for the doublet. Who wants to check his trousers?  
  
There is the sound of nobody volunteering.  
  
The top mime in the stack motions to someone out of frame, who turns out to be two someones, Rincewind and Lady Sybil, as they round the corner occupied by the unstacking mimes. Lady Sybil is still clad in the noblewoman's dress and dragon padding, though Ferdy has elected to stay with Rincewind.  
  
LADY SYBIL  
You know, I remember taking tea with Lord Vetinari, back in the day. He was such a gentleman back then.  
  
RINCEWIND  
I expect your opinion of him has changed a bit.  
  
LADY SYBIL  
The first thing we need to do is find out where that asshole is keeping Samuel. I expect he's worried sick about me.  
  
RINCEWIND  
[sotto] I don't see why.  
  
LADY SYBIL  
[cheerfully] And of course if we encounter Vetinari along the way I could break his neck if you like.  
  
Rincewind looks uncertainly at Sybil.  
  
RINCEWIND  
Er, that won't be necessary, M'lady.  
  
LADY SYBIL  
Oh, just call me Sybil.  
  
Just then a guard rounds the corner and stops short at the sight of the uninvited guests. The mimes assume karatelike defensive stances, then leap forward and attack. The fight is surreally silent, punctuated only by Batman-like sound effect balloons ("Pow!" "Biff" "Wham" and the like). Rincewind and Sybil watch, caught somewhere between impressed and confused.  
  
LADY SYBIL  
Well, at least they're discreet about it.  
  
RINCEWIND  
They must be ninja mimes or something.  
  
They continue ahead, until the sound of many marching feet force them to take evasive action by ducking into an unused cell and shutting the door.  
  
Enter several guards, who file towards the cells immediately adjacent to the one occupied by the rescue party, unlock three of them, and retrieve the prisoners therein. Most of them have visible injuries of some sort, save for Chewbacca - who, being an orangutan, is too hairy for most bruises to show, though his knuckles are bruised, and he nurses them after three guards drag him out of the cell and shackle him.  
  
Of the main characters, Vimes has a blackened eye, a bruised jaw, and a slight limp; Ridcully has a swollen lip and a cut on his brow; Colon has a bloody nose; and Nobby looks a bit more worked over than usual. All are in shackles as they are led away down the corridor.  
  
LADY RAMKIN  
[stage whisper] What the hell have they done to them?!  
  
RINCEWIND  
What ever it was, it looks like they're planning to do more of it.  
  
LADY RAMKIN  
All at once? [her face hardens slightly] If I know him, what he wants is an audience. He always was a bit of a conceited sonofabitch, even before.  
  
RINCEWIND  
We'll discuss the evil overlord's character flaws later. Right now, we have to get them out of here.  
  
He tries to open the door. It's locked. His face falls, and he slowly turns to face his new cellmates.  
  
RINCEWIND  
[sheepish] Um... change of plans...  
  
INT - CARBONITE FREEZING CHAMBER  
  
The prisoners, with Ridcully in the lead, are led into a large room with lots of complicated machinery and storage tanks in it. The tanks are rimed with frost. Also present are Darth Vetinari, Herrenna, Casanunda, and a few anonymous Imperials.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
As you can see, the Ecksians have devoted many years of research into various methods of preservation. Most of them involving the long-term cooling of beer. Ahem. [gestures to the machinery] This, as you might expect, is the latest method to be used commercially - carbonite, which preserves cargo at an approximate temperature of 400 degrees below zero. Of course, it has never been tested on a living subject... may I have a volunteer?  
[A guard with a shock-stick jolts Ridcully forward.]  
Ah. Thank you.  
  
Chewbacca roars his protest at what Vetinari is obviously planning to do, and he attacks the guard with the shock-stick, clobbering him in the stomach with his shackled fists. Several other guards draw their weapons, aiming at the ape. Ridcully turns at the commotion.  
  
RIDCULLY  
Chewie!  
  
Chewie stops abruptly in the process of choking the guard, looking mournfully at his friend.  
  
RIDCULLY  
This won't do any of us any good. Now listen to me - *listen to me, Chewie!* Let him go, or you'll get us all killed.  
[Chewie releases the guard, who stumbles back, grateful for his renewed access to oxygen]  
Now, I expect that I have some business to take care of right now. I'm putting you in charge of the Falcon while I'm gone. And I want you to keep the others safe, all right? I'll be back as soon as I can.  
  
Chewbacca wails.  
  
Vetinari pinches the bridge of his nose.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
[looking a bit nauseated] Oh, this is all very touching. [to the guards] Just get him in the damned freezer before I get sick.  
  
The guards, as per their orders, pull Ridcully back, away from Chewbacca and the others and into the device. Ridcully sets his face in the sort of expression that is meant to reassure others that he's not concerned but nonetheless looks like he knows this will be unpleasant. The platform he is standing on begins to lower into the floor.  
  
The Rebels watch him sink from view, helpless to prevent his fate.  
  
When he reaches the bottom of the shaft, the carbonite hisses out around him, obscuring him in a freezing white cloud. He makes no sound.  
  
Several interminable seconds later, the cloud dissipates, and a large mechanical claw reaches down into the narrow shaft and extracts a single frozen slab, setting it upright next to the freezing chamber. Right now we only see the rear part of it as everyone else regards the Empire's handiwork critically, including Vetinari himself.  
  
GUARD #1  
Well, it certainly makes a statement...  
  
GUARD #2  
Should we do it over, sir?  
  
There is a thoughtful pause.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
... no. You're right, it does make a statement... one that rather aptly sums up my opinion of Jabba. [to Herrenna] What do you think, my dear?  
  
  
HERRENNA  
For one thing, I'm not your anything. For another... I estimate my employer would not be so amused if he knew of your opinion of him.  
  
VIMES  
[aside to Colon] At least Ridcully got the last laugh...  
  
ON THE CARBONITE BLOCK  
which has done a remarkable job at preserving the old smuggler, down to the individual strands of his hair and beard, the stick-that-in-your-pipe-and-smoke-it grin on his tortured face, and the defiantly upturned middle finger now immortalised in carbonite.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
[to one of the dwarves manning the carbonite freezer] Is he alive?  
  
The dwarf in question checks a few readouts on the frame of the slab.  
  
DWARF #1  
He's alive... and in perfect hibernation. He's ready to transport whenever you're ready.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Good. You, you, and you, take the popsicle to Herrenna's ship. The rest of you - except you - take the prisoners back to their cells.  
  
Exeunt all expect for a few random dwarves busy shutting down the freezer, Darth Vetinari, and one officer.  
  
OFFICER  
You wanted to see me, sir?  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
My moment of triumph is at hand - I can almost taste it... but there seems to be something missing. Something that would make the moment more complete.  
  
OFFICER  
[helpful] You could try a villainous laugh, sir.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
A what?  
  
OFFICER  
A villainous laugh - you know, the sort of full, echoing laugh of borderline maniacal triumph that signals the lowest point in the heroes' lives. [beat] I read about them.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
That seems a bit much, doesn't it? I mean, aren't madmen and megalomaniacs the only ones who use villainous laughter?  
  
OFFICER  
[diplomatically] I understand they're very therapeutic.  
  
Vetinari looks at him askance.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Oh, very well... but I'll practice in my room.  
[turns and walks away down a corridor]  
[sotto] Villainous laugh... pfah. The very idea is laughable. On the other hand... Hm. [experimentally] Hehehe. [frowns] Hahahaha. [tries again, summoning the reserves of his villainy] Hahahahaha... [more villainous]*hahahahahahahaha*.... [really putting some effort into it] HAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA...  
  
The officer listens as this villainous laugh echoes for a few more seconds before something apparently catches in Vetinari's throat and he explodes into a coughing fit. The officer winces.  
  
OFFICER  
[sotto] So close...  
  
*****  
  
End Part 12. 


	13. Resurrections, Rescues, and Other Charad...

Disclaimer: See Part 1  
  
*****  
  
INT - CARROT'S SHIP  
  
Carrot mans the controls grimly. His eyes are red, either from weeping or from lack of sleep, but in any case his unshaven jaw is set with the sort of determination that would cause most mortals to make a point of staying out of his way. As it is, even Artoo sits as discreetly as he can at the far side of the cockpit. Carrot punches a few buttons, setting a course for FourEcks.  
  
In the back, Threepio and Igor regard the Princess grimly [their backs are to us and they block our view of her torso so that all we see are her head and her legs, the latter covered by a red- stained blanket]. Although the three prongs that had been in her are now in Igor's hand, she does not appear to have survived their removal. Igor himself is red to the elbows.  
  
IGOR  
[quietly] I'm thorry. I did my betht. It'th jutht fortunate the trident wath thteel inthtead of thilver.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Then there's a chance we can still save her. It's still the last night of the full moon.  
  
The protocol droid looks around the cabin and finally finds what he's looking for: a small switch marked "Moon Roof". He flips the switch, and the moon roof slides open with a soft hiss. Silvery moonlight streams in through the plexiglas panel in the roof and spreads over the cabin's occupants like a dropped scarf. Angua begins to change.  
  
Her face lengthens into a muzzle, and her ears change, becoming pointed. Through her open mouth we see fangs growing as golden-brown fur grows on her face.  
  
On her stomach and midriff, the trident wounds grow shut in the space of a few seconds as the pelt [already past her chest] continues to spread and her musculature shifts in weird and slightly nauseating ways.  
  
Her nails grow long and hooked as her hands become forepaws.  
  
Even the shape under the blanket shifts oddly as her legs change, and a bushy tail pokes out from under the blanket.  
  
Princess Angua von Uberwald has become the Ramtops wolfhound we know as "Princess." [yeah, yeah, I know nobody's all that surprised...] There is definitely a common hereditary thread connecting wolf-Angua to the other wolfhounds in the cabin. She inhales deeply, her jaws wide open as she gulps in the precious air. She opens her eyes and glances at Threepio and Igor, seems to smile in thanks, then turns onto her side and drifts into true sleep.  
  
Igor and Threepio look on with the satisfaction of a job well done.  
  
IGOR  
We did it. [to Threepio] Mathter Carrot will be ecthtatic.  
  
Threepio regards wolf-Angua.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Not if he finds out the object of his affection has just turned into a very large wolf.  
  
IGOR  
He doethn't know?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
I don't think so. [beat] I think he's had enough emotional trauma for today.   
[he shuts the moon roof and covers Angua with the blanket as she starts to shift back]  
You stay with the royal family. I'm going to check on him.  
  
Threepio heads into the cockpit. Carrot takes no notice. Threepio looks at him with some concern.  
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle: He's been like this since we left. Any word on the Princess?]  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[Uberwaldian. Subtitle: We had to give her a Moonlight Special.]  
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle: Ohhh.]  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[Uberwaldian. Subtitle: She's resting right now. It'll be a bit before she's up to visitors.]  
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle: For that matter, it'll be a while before her visitor will be ready to see her.]  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[Uberwaldian. Subtitle: You have a point there. Just keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't do anything stupid.]  
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle: Does setting a course for FourEcks count as "anything stupid"?]  
  
Threepio considers this.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[Uberwaldian. Subtitle: That all depends on whether or not he can hold his alcohol.]  
  
Artoo considers this.  
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle: Call me paranoid, but I *really* don't think it would be a good idea for him to get drunk right now. Just my two credits' worth.]  
  
Threepio looks uneasy.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[Uberwaldian. Subtitle: Actually, I smell a climactic battle in the near future.]  
  
INT - CASANUNDA'S PALACE - DUNGEON  
  
Inside the cell, Rincewind looks like he's getting a headache.  
  
RINCEWIND  
All right... ALL RIGHT! One more round, but that's IT! [he looks blearily at the gesticulating mime] Okay... It's a book title... Four words. Fourth word... whirlwind. Dancing? Pointing? Stabbing? Hat? Wizzard? Something like wizzard. Mage? Spell? Incantation? Magic? Magic, okay. Something something something Magic. First word, something small. It? Be? To? The? The. The something something Magic.  
  
LADY SYBIL  
They're really very good at this, aren't they?  
  
RINCEWIND  
We've been playing charades for four hours, Sybil.  
  
LADY SYBIL  
Only because the mimes outnumber us seven to two.  
  
The mime gestures at Rincewind.  
  
RINCEWIND  
*Yes*, I'm still playing! I haven't given up. Second word. Two syllables.   
[the mime gestures at Rincewind's clothing.]  
Tattered? Spangle? Scarlet? Something like scarlet. Crimson? Broader than that? Rainbow? No? Colour? The Colour something Magic.  
  
Just then, Ferdy perks up his ear frills.  
  
LADY SYBIL  
Hush up, all of you... Ferdy hears something. What is it, boy?  
  
In the distance, they hear the sound of dwarvish boots approaching.  
  
Out in the hall, Casanunda leads a small troop of well-armed dwarves through the dungeon. He stops at the cell containing the first wave of Our Intrepid Heroes - Vimes and the Rebels - and unlocks the door.  
  
CASANUNDA  
[hushed] Come on, all of you. We haven't much time.  
  
Immediately Chewbacca surges forward and pins the dwarf to the opposite wall by his throat. They are very nearly the same height, but Chewie has twice the reach and bigger fangs, which he is now baring. The other dwarves now have their weapons trained on the ape.  
  
CASANUNDA  
[strangled] I'm trying to rescue you, you big hairball!  
  
VIMES  
Why in the hell should we trust you? You sold us out to the Empire!  
  
CASANUNDA  
[strangled] Let me explain, willya?  
  
COLON  
Oh, we remember all right... you had no choice.  
  
NOBBY  
Shall I kick him in the rocks, sir?  
  
VIMES  
Holds that thought, Corporal. [to Casanunda] So, talk. I don't know how long Chewie can restrain himself.  
  
Chewie grins menacingly.  
  
CASANUNDA  
[strangled] Listen to me... I swear I didn't know you were coming until the Empire rang my doorbell. They tell me, You've got guests coming, and those guests are on our hit-list. They tell me, All you have to do is hand them over to us, and nobody gets hurt, and you get a small finder's fee. I say, How much of a fee? They show me how much - they had it right there, pure gold! Yes, I took the gold. I was planning to screw them over anyway, get you and your mates out of here before anything happened, but I didn't count on Jabba sending someone along for Ridcully.  
  
VIMES  
And we should believe this... why?  
  
CASANUNDA  
Ridcully's the closest thing to a dwarf I've ever seen taller than four feet. We've known each other for forty years. You don't bugger around with that kinda friendship. I know where they're taking Ridcully - someplace in Genua. If you want to rescue him, you need my help.  
  
Vimes deliberates on this for a few seconds. Then:  
  
VIMES  
Let him go.  
[Chewie protests.]  
Now!  
  
The ape sulkily releases Casanunda, who fastidiously smooths his cravat.  
  
CASANUNDA  
The first thing we need to do is get to the Falcon. Then--  
  
RINCEWIND [within]  
Um... hello?  
  
VIMES  
[sotto] Oh no, not him again...  
  
CASANUNDA  
You know who he is?  
  
VIMES  
We've met.  
  
CASANUNDA  
You want me to rescue him as well?  
  
LADY SYBIL [within]  
You damned well *better* rescue him, after all the trouble we went through getting here!  
  
Vimes' jaw drops.  
  
VIMES  
Sybil?!  
  
He goes to the cell door like a shot [vaulting over Nobby in his haste] and peers in through the barred window.  
  
VIMES  
I... I thought you were on the civilian transport, with your dragons... If I'd known...  
  
LADY SYBIL  
It's not your fault, dear... we both know that Vetinari can be a real dickweed.  
  
VIMES  
But... how did you get here?  
  
LADY SYBIL  
Rincewind rescued me and some mimes from a scorpion pit.  
[she claps the Jedi in question on the back hard enough to knock him to the ground]  
And he found Ferdy for me. He was really very brave.  
  
Vimes looks at his wife with an "I'll believe *that* when I see it" expression.  
  
VIMES  
Casanunda.  
  
CASANUNDA  
Yes?  
  
VIMES  
Open this door. Now.  
  
CASANUNDA  
[slightly mocking] Yes, Your Tallness.  
  
He opens the cell door, and gets knocked aside as Sybil rushes out. She and Vimes embrace and kiss, though he winces and draws back reflexively as she touches the bruise on his jaw.  
  
LADY SYBIL  
Oh, Sammy... you're hurt.  
  
VIMES  
It'll heal. [to Casanunda] You said you and your, er, men would help us get out of here?  
  
CASANUNDA  
[to the dwarves] Everyone who does not want to kick the Empire's ass, spit in its eye, and piss on its shoes, leave now.  
  
Nobody makes any such movement.  
  
CASANUNDA [contd.]  
Good. [to the Rebels] Follow us. And no monkey bus- Sorry Chewie. Slip of the tongue there.  
  
Chewbacca scowls.  
  
*****  
  
End Part 13. 


	14. Anticipation

Disclaimer: See Part 1.  
  
*****  
  
EXT - CARROT'S VESSEL  
  
The tiny craft enters Ecksian airspace cruises low over the arid outback, lit only by moonlight. In the distance, the first cautious hints of the impending dawn are skulking furtively at the Rim.  
  
INT - CARROT'S VESSEL  
  
Carrot catches himself dozing and jerks awake. Threepio looks on in concern.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Master Carrot, I really think you should try to get some sleep. You've been through a lot tonight.  
  
CARROT  
Not until I face the man who tried to kill Angua. He has to pay for what he did.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Sir, Her Majesty will be fine. Igor told me as much. She's just resting right now.  
  
Carrot looks at him with renewed hope.  
  
CARROT  
May I see her?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
I don't think that would be a good idea right now, sir. She needs to recover from the surgery, after all.  
  
CARROT  
Please, Threepio... there's something I have to do here, in this town coming up just ahead. It might be dangerous, and... and I just wanted to tell her something before I left.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
I shall be quite happy to relay any message you might have for her.  
  
Carrot hesitates. Finally:  
  
CARROT  
We'll be landing in ten minutes or so. I'll tell her then.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[marginally annoyed but hiding it very well] As you wish.  
  
INT - CASANUNDA'S PALACE  
  
A phalanx of rampaging dwarves thunders through the hallways of the palace, plowing through Imperials by a combination of momentum and ferocity. Behind them, the human Rebels, freshly re-armed, fight off any guards and troops who try to take them from behind [Rincewind is armed, as before, with Ferdy, and takes up the rear as Lady Sybil half-drags him by the back of his robes].  
  
ELSEWHERE...  
  
Darth Vetinari watches through a picture window as a small vessel [Herrenna's] flies away. A guard approaches tentatively.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
[without looking around] You know, I'm having an exceptionally pleasant day today... Kennison, was it?  
  
The guard, Kennison, nods uneasily.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
And right about now I bet you're about to tell me something moderately unpleasant.  
[Kennison swallows hard]  
Well, out with it. Nothing could possibly ruin my mood.  
  
KENNISON  
The Rebels have escaped. Casanunda and some of his dwarves broke them out ten minutes ago and there's leaving a pretty thorough path of destruction. Twenty berserking dwarves is a force of nature, sir.  
  
Vetinari reflects on this.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
I stand corrected. Not to fear, Kennison, I'm not angry with you.  
[He abruptly punches Kennison, backhanded, over his own shoulder. Kennison falls.]  
Merely annoyed. I expect a young Jedi trainee will be joining us shortly, Kennison, so try to make yourself presentable by then. Let the rest go. It is he that I want.  
  
Kennison staggers back to his feet, blotting at a bloody nose with one hand, salutes, and exits.  
  
EXT - CASANUNDA'S PALACE  
  
Carrot's ship eases in for a remarkably smooth landing next to the Falcon.  
  
INT - CARROT'S VESSEL  
  
Carrot unbuckles himself from the pilot's chair as the engines whine down, and he heads back to the passenger cabin. There he pauses, as though noticing the two wolfhounds for the first time, but soon his attention settles on the slumbering form of Angua, covered only by the blanket. He crosses to her and crouches down on one knee next to the bunk.  
  
Threepio motions to Igor that they should give Carrot and Angua a bit of privacy, and the two of them retreat into the cockpit.  
  
At first, Carrot can only look at Angua, sleeping serenely as though she had never been injured at all. He reaches out and strokes her hair gently, touches her bare shoulder. Finally:  
  
CARROT  
[softly] I wanted to tell you something before I left... now I don't know how. I don't know why you make me feel this way - all warm inside like a mug of really good cider - but I don't ever want that feeling to go away. Right now there's something I need to do... I have to face the man who tried to hurt you. I'll come back if I can... but if I can't...  
  
He can't finish the sentence - the situation is awkward, and he's painfully aware of it. Instead, he bends down and kisses her on the cheek, then straightens and turns towards the door.   
  
Angua stirs and wakes.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Carrot...  
  
He stops, turns back. Angua smiles gently at him. He kneels by her once again, and together they savour a long, deep, emotional kiss, the sort that comes with a dramatic crescendo in the soundtrack.   
  
In the cockpit...  
  
IGOR  
Mithter Threepio?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Yes, Igor?  
  
IGOR  
That little panel on your chetht ith flathing red.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
I know. That's my virgin alarm. [grits teeth] They have ten more seconds.  
  
In the cabin...  
  
Finally Carrot withdraws, however reluctantly, and gets to his feet, fortified.  
  
CARROT  
[firmly] I'll be back.  
  
Then he turns and heads back to the cockpit entrance, where he is met by Threepio. The droid assesses the situation, decides that nothing imminently procreative has happened, and turns to Carrot.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
I have every confidence in your abilities as a Jedi... but the unexpected tends to happen with alarming regularity. [he hands Carrot a small transponder] If you get in trouble, activate it.  
  
Carrot takes the device, looks it over, and clips it to his belt.  
  
CARROT  
I want you to make sure the Princess gets to safety, whether I come back or not.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Of course, sir. I was programmed for just that purpose.  
  
CARROT  
Get her back to our friends before you try coming after me. Promise me.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[after 1.2 seconds of processing time] I swear it to you on the core processor of my positronic network..  
  
Carrot considers this unorthodox oath, then nods, figuring it'll do.  
  
CARROT  
Thank you.  
  
He departs.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[to Artoo] You go with him, and make sure all our people get out okay.  
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle: Oh sure, just because I can withstand environments that would have you melted or frozen beyond all redemption, that means *I* have to go into the pit of despair with the hero of this flick...]  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[testily] *I* went with him into the *last* pit of despair! Now SCOOT!  
  
The astromech droid yips and scoots away after Carrot.  
  
Over the sound of Artoo's haste causing him to tumble gracelessly down the steps from the ship's door, Threepio and Igor turn their attention to the royal family of Uberwald.  
  
The two wolfhounds shift into human forms: a man, KING GUYE VON UBERWALD; and a woman, QUEEN SERAFINE VON UBERWALD. They are nude except for the blankets they had been covered with, and both still look rather the worse for wear, but Threepio and Igor bow to them, all the same.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Your Collective Graces.  
  
QUEEN SERAFINE  
Ponder Threepio, our faithful droid. Was all this... your doing?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Yes... and no.  
  
KING GUYE  
Explain yourself, then.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
I am programmed to assure your safety. I merely followed my program.  
  
QUEEN SERAFINE  
[amused, to [king]] I wonder who programmed him with such humility.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
But it was Master Carrot who sensed the danger to your daughter in Uberwald, and he who travelled there to rescue Your Collective Graces.  
  
KING GUYE  
How much does he know about... us?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Very little, I suspect. He will need to be told.  
  
KING GUYE  
Say you so? Why should we tell him?  
  
Threepio glances significantly at Angua, who blushes slightly.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[diplomatically] A subplot has developed between them.  
  
There is a thoughtful pause.  
  
QUEEN SERAFINE  
This could complicate things.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
If it please Your Graces, there is a ship here which belongs to the party who first rescued Her Majesty the Princess. I suggest we move to that ship, in order that we might rejoin our friends in short order.  
  
IGOR  
Mithter Threepio, the Mathter and Mithreth are thtill injured. Moving them might be dangerouth.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Not moving them might be more so. [beat; to the King and Queen] I have taken the liberty of packing some spare clothing for Your Collective Graces, in with Master Carrot's luggage, just in case.  
  
Serafine and Guye exchange an amused "what-a-well-trained-humanoid-he-is" glance.  
  
INT - CASANUNDA'S PALACE  
  
Carrot, his blaster drawn, proceeds cautiously through the nearly-abandoned corridors of the palace, with Artoo scooting along behind him. In the distance we hear occasional sounds of fighting. A blast door slides shut almost on the heels of Artoo's scooters, and he glances back and squeaks in dismay. Carrot turns also, and notices the astromech for the first time.  
  
CARROT  
Stay close, Artoo... we have to make sure our friends are safe before we leave.  
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle: It sounds like someone's getting their arse kicked around here... damn *straight* I'm staying close!]  
  
As they continue on, they pass by a doorway through which we see Our Intrepid Heroes [wave 1] passing by in the other direction.   
  
VIMES  
Now, you're certain that this is the fastest way out of here?  
  
Artoo pauses at Vimes' voice, then reverses back to the doorway as Casanunda answers.  
  
CASANUNDA  
I've lived here for almost as long as I've known Ridcully. I know every inch of the corri-- oh look, an R2 unit.  
  
VIMES  
What? [recognises Artoo] How'd you get here? Never mind - I probably wouldn't be able to understand you. Come on, we're getting out of here. This place is overrun with Imperials.  
  
Artoo looks in the direction Carrot had been going, to find that he has disappeared from sight. With the digital equivalent of a shrug - since this was one of the reasons he went after Carrot in the first place - he scoots along to join Vimes and the rest.  
  
CARROT,  
following some internal Jedi compass, continues on heedless, knowing that he will find Something Bad here at any moment. His footsteps echo hollowly on the flagstones as his free hand moves to rest on the handle of his lightsaber.  
  
He reaches a door, keys it open, and finds himself in the carbonite freezing facilities. His Jedi- senses are fairly screaming now; it's amazing how silently a young man of his size can move as he searches out the nemesis he knows is there. He holsters his blaster and readies the saber, though he doesn't activate it just yet. He turns suddenly as he hears a voice:  
  
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]  
Ah... Carrot Skywalker, was it?  
  
Vetinari stands calmly some distance from Carrot, his hands clasped behind his back.  
  
DARTH VETINARI [contd.]  
So good of you to come. I have forseen this moment for quite some time.  
  
*****  
  
End Part 14. 


	15. Meetings and Reunions

Disclaimer: See Part 1.  
  
*****  
  
ELSEWHERE...  
Our Intrepid Heroes have reached the main entrance hall.  
  
CASANUNDA  
You see, we are here already. I told you escaping would be easy.  
  
Uneasy pause, then:  
  
ALL BUT THE MIMES  
... Too easy.  
  
In more of a tight cluster than any sort of formation, the Rebels make their way cautiously towards the main door, which we now see is Way The Hell Down There, at the opposite end of the cavernous foyer. Their footsteps are muffled by the thick shag carpeting, and the resulting silence is palpable. In fact, the only real purpose it appears to have is to make Ferdy's nervous gurgling all the more apparent.  
  
VIMES  
Watch where you point that dragon, Rincewind. I don't want you setting anyone's arse on fire.  
  
Rincewind looks down at the little dragon under his arm, and it appears to be a toss-up as to who dreads an explosion of dragon gas more.  
  
LADY SYBIL  
He's just scared, Sam. We all are.  
  
RINCEWIND  
Of course I'm scared. This will be the part where there's two hundred storm troopers hiding behind the wall hangings or something.  
  
Everyone looks at the tapestries, which hang exactly as if there were not two hundred storm troopers behind them. After a tense pause, they continue on.  
  
CASANUNDA  
Bah. I shouldn't be skulking around like this, not in my own palace. [to the dwarves] Come on, lads. Let us forge ahead like the warriors we are!  
  
RANDOM DWARF  
[sotto] Just as soon as you wash off that blasted perfume...  
  
CASANUNDA  
Who was that?! I heard that remark, now who was it?!  
  
He forges behind into the crowd of dwarves, and a brief scuffle ensues. Ferdy chirps in alarm [as he and Rincewind are distressingly close to the scuffle] and gurgles louder. Rincewind realises that he is now holding a small leathery bomb. He looks helplessly to Sybil.  
  
LADY SYBIL  
Quickly, get him outside before he discharges!  
  
Rincewind nods in understanding, tucks Ferdy under his arm, and blurs towards the main door like a quarterback, slamming through the thick door and pointing Ferdy away from the Palace just before the little dragon belches, emitting a ball of bluish flame which rolls out towards the two ships.  
  
Threepio stops short on the ladder from Carrot's vessel, moments before he was to help Angua [now clothed in a simple outfit of shirt, trousers, and boots] down from the ship. We see the fireball reflected in his spectacles as he shoves the Princess back to safety inside the ship, a bare instant before the fiery dragon-burp rolls past.  
  
INT - CARROT'S VESSEL  
  
Angua peers out of the door, wrinkling her nose at the smell of burning methane.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Threepio?  
  
Threepio is a bit singed and rather tarnished, but otherwise undamaged. The lenses in his spectacles are cracked, though. After a brief diagnostic:  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
I'm okay... but WHO THE HELL SET OFF A FLAMETHROWER OUT HERE?!  
  
Rincewind, his robes smoking slightly and Ferdy still under his arm and now looking a bit apologetic, looks helplessly at the protocol droid.  
  
RINCEWIND  
Um... oops?  
  
Angua pokes her head out of the ship and looks around briefly before she finds who Threepio is talking to, then she heads down the ladder past Threepio.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Rincewind? How did you get here?  
  
RINCEWIND  
It's a really long story. The others are still inside.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Did you see Carrot anywhere?  
  
RINCEWIND  
No. And he's kind of hard to miss, isn't he?  
  
Just then, Our Intrepid Heroes and the dwarves head out to investigate all the noise.  
  
VIMES  
Gods, what's that smell?  
  
RINCEWIND  
That's, er, me. [glances at Ferdy] Mainly.  
  
LADY SYBIL  
Well, no wonder... poor thing must've been frightened half to death, it's a wonder he didn't explode.  
  
RINCEWIND  
He didn't *what*?!  
  
He nearly drops the dragon, thinks better of it, and finally just holds Ferdy at arm's length.  
  
Casanunda shoulders past him and makes a beeline for the Princess, primping and trying to make his slightly tattered self presentable as he goes.  
  
CASANUNDA  
And whom do I have the very great privilege of addressing?  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Princess Angua von Uberwald.  
  
CASANUNDA  
And I expect all Uberwaldians are every bit as lovely as you are.  
  
She looks as though he had just informed her that he'd lost his phone number and could he borrow hers.  
  
VIMES  
He's a friend of Ridcully's.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
That figures. Speaking of which--  
  
VIMES  
That's where it gets complicated. We don't have time to explain - the Empire's here, and we have to leave. Now. [to Chewbacca, motioning to the Falcon] I assume you know how to fly this thing?  
  
Chewie salutes and knuckles his way up the boarding ramp, but stops short when he sees the King and Queen of Uberwald [dressed in common clothes but wearing them like finery] already aboard.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[quickly] They're with us, Chewbacca.  
  
VIMES  
[to Casanunda] I don't know if all those dwarves will fit.  
  
CASANUNDA  
We have ships of our own... and business to conclude here. We'll meet up with you later in Genua. [to Angua] It seems that the stars were not quite in our favour this day, mon chere... but we shall meet again!   
  
He turns, runs back towards his captured palace, and busts the heel off one of his boots halfway there. This does not do kind things to one's balance while running, and he curses floridly in dwarvish as he picks himself up off the tarmac. He now has a run in his stockings.  
  
Threepio winces [he would blush if he were capable] and hustles the Rebels into the Falcon.  
  
INT - CASANUNDA'S PALACE  
  
Carrot backs slowly away from Darth Vetinari, as Vetinari attempts to advance menacingly on him at roughly the same pace.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
You came all this way to see me... how thoughtful of you. I get visitors so seldom. And it just so happens, you Carrot, that I have a business proposal for you.  
  
CARROT  
A... what?  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Oh, I know you had other plans for this meeting. Killing me, for one.  
  
CARROT  
How did you--?  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
One of the pleasures of using the Force. I can read your thoughts, as easily as if you were voicing them to me right now. They betray you... Your lady-love, for example. The Princess was quite a tart, wasn't she?  
  
Carrot grinds his teeth with the effort of resisting Vetinari's taunts.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
No matter that she was a key member in an illegal Rebellion against the government. But before you profess your undying love to her, perhaps you should examine the merchandise more closely. Caveat Emptor, I always say. But back to that business proposal...  
  
CARROT  
I won't join forces with you, Vetinari.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
[condescending] Oh, how clever. Reading ahead in the script like that. So. You won't join forces with me?  
  
CARROT  
Never.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Is that your final answer? If it is, you realise I'll have to kill you. Nothing against you, of course, you seem like a bright young man with a lot of potential for serving the forces of darkness.  
  
CARROT  
Um... one question.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
[impatient] What?  
  
CARROT  
Are you my real father?  
  
There is a startled beat of incredulity.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
No! What kind of question is that?!  
  
CARROT  
Just asking.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Gods, what sort of messed-up space opera do you think this is?  
  
CARROT  
You never know. By the way, you wanted my final answer?  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
[carefully] Ye-es...  
  
Carrot leaps suddenly, and as time slows, two things become clear. The first is that he is leaping backwards, away from Vetinari. The second is that he is leaping towards the end of one of the grates that make up the floor. At the other end of this grate stands Vetinari, who looks warily confused until an instant before Carrot lands, pistoning down hard with both feet. This sends Carrot's end sharply downward and Vetinari's end just as sharply upward like a catapult, and sends Vetinari himself flying upwards into the pipes and tubes which meander all over the ceiling. As he attempts to disentangle himself from the rats-nest of tubes:  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
All right! Now I am really getting annoyed!  
  
He ignites his lightsaber and shears through the tubes, landing tidily with the grace of a cat. He looks around for Carrot, who is nowhere to be seen.  
  
... unless, of course, you look at the far side of a support column, against which Carrot has his back.  
  
After a few moments of probing, Vetinari zeroes in on the column and advances, his saber ready to kill Carrot a lot.  
  
He swings at the column just as Carrot rolls away on the other side. The saber bites into the column before Vetinari can check his swing.  
  
Carrot rolls to his feet and ignites his saber.  
  
Vetinari turns to face him, then strikes at the young Jedi.  
  
Their lightsabers crash together again and again, with a sound like a Van de Graaf generator falling down the stairs in slow motion. The two adversaries, it is clear, use very different styles - Vetinari the measured style of a swordsman, Carrot the brute force techniques of a really big dwarf. It balances, more or less. As the sabers lock together:  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Do you really think you can defeat the Empire? You're practically a boy. You know nothing of how the world works.  
  
CARROT  
There's nothing you could teach me.  
  
Carrot shoves him away, sending the Dark Lord sprawling against a pillar. Vetinari dodges away moments before he would have been beheaded; the pillar itself is rather neatly bisected.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
That's good... let your anger rule you. Already you're becoming a disciple of the dark side, whether you want to or not.  
  
Carrot hesitates at this, and Vetinari seizes an opening and charges, his lightsaber raised. Carrot barely counters and is driven back by Vetinari's ferocious attacks, first one step, then a dozen.  
  
After several heartstopping rounds of this, Carrot's back is against a wall, and the lightsabers lock together. Vetinari cannot overpower Carrot with strength alone, and they both know this.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Oh, one more thing, Carrot... About Princess Angua, I just though you'd like to know what she was before you died. [he's really going to enjoy this] Princess Angua von Uberwald was a lycanthrope!  
  
There is a beat of expectant silence.  
  
CARROT  
[politely] Yes?  
  
This is clearly not the response Vetinari anticipated.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
I beg your pardon? I just told you that your girlfriend was a lycanthrope!  
  
CARROT  
And I think she's the nicest lycanthrope I ever met. I expect her parents are the same way?  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Ye-es... ["What the hell is going on here?"]  
  
CARROT  
I appreciate you wanting me to know, all the same.  
  
Then, with a flick of Carrot's wrist, Vetinari's saber flies from his hand, and with a flick of considerably more of Carrot's other arm, the young Jedi punches the Sith Lord in the mouth hard enough to send him flying several feet.  
  
As Vetinari lays there, stunned, Carrot approaches the Dark Lord, preparing to rid the people of the Disc of this menace, once and for all.  
  
If only it were that easy.  
  
As Carrot gets close to Vetinari, the Sith suddenly explodes into motion, whipping a stiletto dagger from a boot sheath and driving it into the meat of Carrot's calf. Carrot howls and clutches at his leg, almost falling.  
  
Vetinari backpedals and scrambles to his feet, spitting out a mouthful of blood as he makes his escape.  
  
Carrot pulls the dagger from his leg. It is covered in something sticky that doesn't look fit for human consumption. He looks after Vetinari, wanting to pursue him, but his leg is going numb even now. With one hand clamped on his wounded leg, he deactivates his lightsaber and staggers heavily towards an archway, through which can be seen a flight of stairs leading up, and a helpful sign indicating that they lead to "ROOF ACCESS."  
  
He makes it to the stairs just as his leg buckles. As he leans on the bannister, he reaches down and activates the transponder. He pauses to catch his breath, sweat pouring down his face; the poison is spreading.  
  
Distantly, he hears dwarvish voices approaching, and looks up.  
  
CARROT  
Gr'tuzk'a!  
[subtitle: Hello!]  
  
CASANUNDA [o.s.]  
Oy there! There's a dwarf in here!  
  
DWARF #1 [o.s.]  
He isn't one of ours. The accent's wrong.  
  
Casanunda approaches from the corridor, followed by several of the Ecksian dwarves.  
  
CASANUNDA  
Hullo. When did he get here? Hey you, did you see a dwarf in here?  
  
Carrot looks at him.  
  
CARROT  
[dwarvish. Subtitle: My name is Carrot Skywalker... son of Owen Skywalker son of Balin Skywalker... of the clan Skywalker of the Hubward Ramtop Mountains...]  
  
DWARF #2  
Crikey. Bloody big dwarves they get in the mountains.  
  
CASANUNDA  
Well, no time for a full family history.  
  
CARROT  
[weakening] I need to get to the roof... Millennium Falcon...  
  
CASANUNDA  
[to the other dwarves] Must be with the Rebels. Well, if he needs to get to the roof - don't know why he would - let's get him to the roof! The poor kid can barely walk!  
  
Carrot manages a weak smile of gratitude as the dwarves band together and, with the deceptive strength of their species, partially support but mostly carry Carrot up the stairs.  
  
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON  
  
Chewie sits at the controls, steering the Falcon out of FourEcks.  
  
Threepio, in the main cabin, is making sure that the royal family is comfortable. He approaches Angua, who seems preoccupied by Carrot's absence. The protocol droid rests a comforting metal hand on her shoulder, and she looks up at him.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[to Angua] Try not to worry, Your Majesty. I'm sure Carrot will come through.  
  
Angua offers him a wan "thanks-for-trying-to-help" smile.  
  
Just then, Threepio perks up as he starts to receive the transponder signal.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[to Igor and Artoo] Stay with them. [as he heads towards the cockpit] Turn around! Turn the ship around! We have to go back!  
  
Chewie half-turns, wondering what the hell is wrong with Threepio as the droid bursts into the cockpit.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Turn this ship around! Carrot's still alive! We have to go back right now!  
  
Chewbacca gives a "whatever you say Mr. Insane Person" shrug and hauls the controls around.  
  
EXT - MILLENNIUM FALCON  
as it executes a sharp U-turn and heads back the way it came, leaving skid-marks in midair.  
  
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON  
Threepio watches anxiously through the windscreen as they race back to the Palace.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Must go faster... must go faster... must go faster...  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Threepio?  
  
Threepio turns, his visual sensors gleaming with excitement.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Carrot's still alive. [smiling slightly at his own foresight] He paged me and now we're going to get him.  
  
Angua is so happy at this news that she hugs the startled droid, then hurries back to the cabin to share the news. Chewbacca shakes his head in disbelief, then looks alert as they approach the palace.  
  
EXT - CASANUNDA'S PALACE - ROOF  
  
As the Falcon approaches, the FourEcks dwarves and their cargo come into view. Casanunda and a few of the dwarves are waving their arms to flag down the Falcon.   
  
The ship hovers as close as it can to the roof, lowering a cargo platform bearing Vimes, Angua, Threepio, and Igor, onto which the dwarves bundle Carrot. Carrot himself is ashen-faced and barely conscious. There is no time to ask any questions, however, as the Falcon takes off as soon as Carrot is secured.  
  
*****  
  
End Part 15. 


	16. Pretty Fly For A Jedi On to Genua Conclu...

Disclaimer: See Part 1.  
  
*****  
  
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON - LATER  
  
Carrot lays on the infirmary cot; his boots have been removed and half of one pant leg has been cut away so the wound could be tended to. This duty has been relegated to Igor, since Chewie is still flying the ship. Carrot immediate future looks grim. The hunchbacked Uberwaldian dabs at the stab wound with his mismatched fingers and examines the small sample of the substance that comes away with them. He sniffs at it and makes more of a face than usual.  
  
IGOR  
Look at thith. Powerful thtuff... I'm thurprithed it hathn't killed him already. Thturdy lad, he ith. But thith ithn't my department, poithonth. Now, my couthin Igor from DontGoNearThe Cathle, HE'd know how to neutralithe it...  
  
Angua, who had been watching Igor's examination with great concern, notices from the tail of her eye Rincewind trying to fade unobtrusively out the door. She moves with supernatural speed [natch], grabs the Jedi, and pins him against the wall before he's done yelping in fright.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Rincewind?  
  
RINCEWIND  
Ngh?  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
I know what you're capable of. You're the Great Wizzard. You're a Jedi. But SO HELP ME, IF YOU DON'T AT LEAST TRY TO HELP SAVE CARROT SO HELP ME YOU ARE DOG FOOD!  
  
Rincewind stares at her, frozen in wide-eyed terror.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Pretty please?  
  
She releases his robes, straightens out his collar, and pats him reassuringly on the shoulder.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
I know you can do this. At least try?  
  
He nods stiffly, sidles out from between her and the wall, and heads back into the infirmary, appallingly aware of Angua behind him. He really doesn't think he can do this, and it shows in his whole demeanour. On the other hand, one could hardly resist Angua's charming methods of request.  
  
RINCEWIND  
Er. Igor, was it?  
  
IGOR  
Thir?  
  
RINCEWIND  
Um... Let me try something.  
[He glances over at Angua, who nods]  
You might want to get a bowl. This could get messy. Um. Right there, under his leg.  
  
Igor gets a bowl of the sort that a war surgeon might use to put shrapnel in that has just been dug out of a patient and puts the lip of it under the stab wound. Rincewind looks at the wound and grimaces in revulsion. Then he takes a deep breath, girds his metaphorical loins, and claps both hands onto Carrot's leg, trying at the same time not to look at what he now has his hands in.  
  
We can see the poison already in Carrot's leg, as it has coloured the veins an inky black.  
  
Rincewind swallows a wave of nausea [he never did have a very strong constitution] and concentrates, murmuring what sounds at first to be a meditative mantra:  
  
RINCEWIND  
[sotto] Don'tLetHerKillMeDon'tLetHerKillMeOhGodsOhGodsOhGodsOhGods...  
  
Rincewind's fingers begin to glow, and the blackness in Carrot's veins begins to back out of his bloodstream. It starts to ooze out of the stab wound, around Rincewind's fingers. It doesn't feel very nice at all, and briefly he puts the back of one gory hand against his mouth to prevent himself getting sick.  
  
RINCEWIND  
*Ulf*...  
  
The poison slowly drips into the bowl. Igor and Angua exchange a glance; the little bugger is actually doing it!  
  
IGOR  
Whatever you're doing, thir, keep on with it. The thtuff'th almotht all out.  
  
RINCEWIND  
[queasy] Thanks for the update.  
  
A few seconds later:  
  
IGOR  
Okay, that'th got it.  
  
Rincewind gratefully pulls his hands away from the wound, from which only blood issues. The Jedi looks at his hands, torn between impressed and nauseated. Finally he settles on nauseated.  
  
RINCEWIND  
Disinfectant! Towel! Washcloth! Rag! Anything!  
  
Igor thrusts a reasonably clean rag into Rincewind's hands, and Rincewind eagerly scrubs the ick off.  
  
RINCEWIND  
They didn't cover this in Jedi school. Urgh...  
  
He holds the rag between thumb and forefinger, then drops it in the bowl as well, still feeling as though he has spiders crawling all over his hands.  
  
Meanwhile, Igor is inspecting Carrot's leg for any further signs of contamination.  
  
IGOR  
It'th clean, Your Majethty. He'll feel like an exthtra in an Imperial attack thene for a bit, but he'll be fine.  
  
Angua smiles in relief and not a little triumph.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Rincewind...  
[He turns, still trying to resolve the creepy feeling in his hands.]  
You truly are the Great Wizzard they spoke of...  
  
RINCEWIND  
[sheepish] Well... I wouldn't really call myself *great*, per se... more like extraordinarily--  
  
She kisses him on the cheek.  
  
RINCEWIND  
... lucky...  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Thank you.  
  
RINCEWIND  
Erfln...  
  
Carrot coughs, and Angua is immediately by his side, leaving Rincewind forgotten in a cloud of shock.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Threepio!  
  
Enter Threepio.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Yes, your Maj-- Ah, Master Carrot. You're looking especially well. All things considered.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Rincewind used his Jedi powers to heal him.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
He must have strained himself. He looks a bit stunned.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
He'll be fine.  
  
CARROT  
[weakly] I feel like I've been run over by a herd of yok. [note: yok are like yak, but heavier] [to Threepio] I guess you found me okay.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Yessir... Mister Ridcully was captured, however. We're on our way to rescue him.  
  
CARROT  
Where?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Genua, sir. Now that you're better, we can make all haste there right now  
  
CARROT  
All right. And, Threepio?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Sir?  
  
CARROT  
When I was fighting Darth Vetinari in FourEcks, he called Angua and her parents lycanthropes.  
  
Threepio and Angua exchange a glance. Angua nods: Go on, he deserves to know.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
That's true. They're all lycanthropes, the oldest royal bloodline in Uberwald except for the Magpyrs.  
  
CARROT  
Oh. Okay.  
  
Threepio and Angua relax. After a long pause:  
  
CARROT  
What's a lycanthrope?  
  
FADE TO BLACK.  
  
*****  
  
To be concluded in Episode Six... 


End file.
